10/01/25

Blog Post: How Anxiety Impacts Relationships and Trust

Anxiety can affect many aspects of our lives, but one of its most profound impacts is on our relationships and ability to trust others. It often acts like an overprotective friend, convincing us it’s shielding us from harm when, in reality, it’s erecting walls that keep us disconnected from the people we care about most.

Let’s explore how anxiety influences trust, the challenges it creates, and why vulnerability is a risk worth taking in building deeper connections.

The Voice of Anxiety: Guarding or Disconnecting?
Anxiety can feel like an internal protector, warning us to stay silent or hide our true selves:

• “What if they secretly hate me?”
• “What if they’ll never understand?”
• “What if they judge me?”
  

This voice urges us to keep everything inside, to put on a brave face, and to act like everything is fine. But instead of protecting us, anxiety is actually isolating us.

When we listen to this voice, we bottle up our thoughts and emotions, disconnecting even from those we love most. Over time, this guardedness doesn’t foster safety—it builds resentment and loneliness.

Vulnerability: The Key to Connection
True connection doesn’t come from presenting a perfect facade. Imagine trying to bond with someone whose life seems flawless:

• “My day was flawless. Everything is amazing. I’ve never cried in the shower.”

Doesn’t sound relatable, right?

We connect with others through shared humanity, through our messy, imperfect moments. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s a powerful way to foster trust and intimacy.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean oversharing or making every interaction dramatic. It starts with small acts of honesty:

• Sharing a genuine feeling rather than what you think you should feel.
• Talking about a challenging moment instead of pretending everything is fine.
  

Taking the Risk of Trust
Anxiety often frames vulnerability as a dangerous risk, and it’s not wrong—being open does carry risk. But so does staying closed off.

• The Risk of Vulnerability: It opens the door to connection, understanding, and closeness.
• The Risk of Guarding: It keeps others at a distance and fosters resentment and loneliness.
  

When you weigh these risks, it’s clear that opening up—especially with those closest to us—is worth it.

If you can trust someone with your Netflix password or share a fridge, chances are you can also trust them with a little honesty about your thoughts and feelings.

Building Trust, One Step at a Time
You don’t need to have everything figured out to open up. Vulnerability is a gradual process, and it’s okay to start small. Here are a few ideas:

1. Acknowledge the Risk: Remind yourself that vulnerability and guarding both carry risks—but only one leads to connection.
2. Start Small: Share a little more than usual, like how you’re genuinely feeling or a challenge you’re facing.
3. Trust the Process: Connection grows over time, and the more you open up, the more likely it is to deepen.
   

Moving Forward
Anxiety’s protective voice might tell you to keep quiet and stay guarded, but that voice isn’t looking out for your relationships. Real trust and connection come from stepping into vulnerability, even when it feels risky.

So, consider taking that step today. Share a small piece of your truth with someone close to you. Build that bridge of connection, one honest moment at a time.

09/01/25

Blog Post: Understanding and Overcoming Procrastination

Procrastination: it’s a common challenge that frustrates many of us. It’s not just about avoiding tasks; it’s about the emotional weight we attach to that avoidance. Too often, we see procrastination as a personal flaw or an unchangeable character trait.

But here’s the truth: procrastination isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal. It tells us there’s something going on beneath the surface, and understanding why we procrastinate is key to overcoming it.

Let’s explore what drives procrastination and how we can gently work through it.

Why Do We Procrastinate?
Procrastination is highly context-dependent. While the reasons can vary, most fall into a few main categories:

1. Emotional Avoidance:

• Fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, low energy, or perfectionistic thinking can stop us from starting.
• Thoughts like “I have to do this perfectly” or “It’s too much, I don’t even know where to begin” paralyze us.

2. The Guilt Cycle:

• Putting off a task makes us feel guilty, and that guilt makes the task feel even bigger, leading to more avoidance.
  

3. Lack of Motivation or Rewards:

• Some tasks are simply boring or unrewarding, making them easy to put off.
  

4. Poor Time Management:

• Without clear deadlines or structured time, tasks can feel amorphous and harder to tackle.
  

5. Executive Function Challenges:

• Difficulties with attention, organization, and prioritization—often related to conditions like ADHD—can make procrastination even more pronounced.
  

Strategies to Overcome Procrastination
The good news? Procrastination is manageable. Here’s how to start:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
Start with kindness. Instead of berating yourself with an inner drill sergeant voice, acknowledge that you’re struggling and it’s okay.

Replace harsh self-talk with statements like:

• “This is hard, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters.”
• “The process is more important than the outcome right now."

2. Challenge Perfectionism and All-or-Nothing Thinking
Procrastination often thrives on unhelpful thought patterns. Challenge these with curiosity:

• “Does it really have to be perfect?”
• “What’s the smallest, imperfect step I could take right now?”
  

3. Break Tasks Into Manageable Steps

Big tasks can feel overwhelming. Break them down:

• Write out each step, or use cue cards to focus on just a few at a time.
• Start small. Even writing “make a list” on your list counts!
  

4. Use Temptation Bundling

Pair something unpleasant with something you enjoy:

• Listen to a favorite podcast while tackling a tedious chore.
• Call a friend while organizing a closet.
  

5. Gamify Your Tasks

Make tasks fun or rewarding:

• Set a timer and challenge yourself to beat the clock.
• Reward yourself after completing a task (“Once I finish this, I’ll watch an episode of my favorite show”).
  

6. Try the 5-Minute Rule
Commit to working on a task for just five minutes. At the end, reassess how you feel. Often, starting is the hardest part.

7. Manage Your Time Proactively

• Schedule time blocks for specific tasks, even if they’re self-imposed.
• Decide whether to tackle the hardest or easiest tasks first—do what works for you.
  

8. Seek Help for Executive Function Challenges
If procrastination is tied to difficulties with attention or organization, consider reaching out to a doctor or therapist. Conditions like ADHD may benefit from tailored strategies or medication.

You can’t “think” your way through a hardware issue, and getting the right support can save your self-esteem.

Moving Forward
Procrastination doesn’t define you. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a signal that something needs attention, whether it’s your emotions, environment, or approach.

So, if you’re struggling with procrastination, take a deep breath. Start small, be kind to yourself, and focus on progress, not perfection.

08/01/2025

Blog Post: Coping with “One of Those Days” – A Psychologist’s Honest Guide

We’ve all been there: those days where, before the clock strikes 9 a.m., everything seems to go wrong. Nothing catastrophic, no life-altering disasters—just a string of little irritations that build and stick under your skin.

Today, I’m having one of those days. And as a psychologist, I could rattle off a list of effective coping strategies—but if I’m being honest, in moments like these, even I roll my eyes at the idea of diving straight into “healthy” techniques.

So, instead of presenting a perfect, polished guide to coping, I want to share a more realistic approach for when you’re just... cranky.

Step 1: Have Your Feelings
First things first, let yourself feel irritated. Give yourself permission to be cranky, frustrated, or annoyed without adding guilt to the mix. It’s okay to wish you weren’t feeling this way while still acknowledging that you are.

Step 2: Take a Pause
Once you’ve vented (maybe even muttered a few choice words under your breath), try a short pause. This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” but rather giving yourself a moment to reset.

For me, this looks like:

• Relaxation breathing: In through my nose, out through my mouth, slowing my heart rate.
• A calming image: I picture the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, which helps take me down a notch.
• Grounding in the present moment: I remind myself, It’s January 7, 2025. A rough morning isn’t the rest of my life.
  

Step 3: Reflect on What’s in Your Control
After a pause, consider: Is there anything I can actually fix or approach differently?

Maybe there’s a practical tweak you can make to avoid a similar frustration next time. Or maybe there’s nothing you can control about the situation—and that’s okay too.

Step 4: Have Compassion for Yourself
It’s okay to not be perfectly regulated all the time. Nobody is! Being human means having bad days, even when you “know better” as a mental health professional (trust me, I’ve been doing this for 25 years).

Let yourself off the hook. A cranky mood doesn’t mean you’re failing; it just means you’re human.

Step 5: Connect and Vent
Sometimes, sharing your irritation with someone else can help lighten the load. Call a friend, partner, or coworker who’ll offer validation and a sympathetic, “Wow, that does sound like a collection of suckitude!”

Venting isn’t about wallowing—it’s about letting the feelings out so they don’t fester.

Step 6: Adjust Your Expectations
When your bandwidth is already low, it’s okay to cut out extras. Focus on what absolutely needs to get done, and let the rest wait until tomorrow.

The Honest Truth About Coping
Here’s the thing: coping skills aren’t magic. They don’t instantly fix a bad day, and they don’t always feel doable in the moment. Sometimes, you just need to vent before you can get yourself together.

On social media, it can seem like the expectation is to always be perfectly zen, flawlessly deploying coping strategies at every turn. But life doesn’t work that way. Even for psychologists.

Wrapping Up
Today, I’m giving myself permission to be cranky for a little while longer. Then, I’ll gather myself, focus on the hearts that beat around me, and do my best.

If you’re having “one of those days,” I hope you’ll do the same. Feel what you need to feel, take small steps to recalibrate, and don’t sweat being perfect.

07/01/2025

Blog Post: Let’s Make 2025 the Year of Lovingkindness

As we step into 2025, my heartfelt wish is to make this the Year of Lovingkindness. The world around us is often unpredictable, and the challenges ahead might feel heavy. But what if we approached the year with a mindset of lovingkindness—toward ourselves, those we know, and even complete strangers?

Lovingkindness isn’t about ignoring hardship or pretending life is perfect. Instead, it’s about softening our edges, offering compassion where there’s friction, and doing small things to make the world a bit brighter.

Here’s how we can embrace this practice, one thought and one action at a time.

The Attitude of Lovingkindness
At its core, lovingkindness begins with how we think. It’s about reframing situations that would normally upset or frustrate us. For example:

• Instead of holding onto anger when someone cuts you off in traffic, pause and ask yourself, What might they be dealing with? Maybe they’re rushing to something urgent, or maybe they’re just having a tough day.

This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior but about choosing not to add to the negativity by responding in kind. A gentler perspective can keep you from getting stuck in frustration or anger, making your day a little lighter.

Small Acts of Lovingkindness
Practicing lovingkindness doesn’t require grand gestures or spending lots of money. The most meaningful acts are often the simplest:

At Home:

• Give your full attention. Take a few uninterrupted minutes to truly listen to your child, partner, or friend. Even a short moment of undivided attention can make a world of difference.
• Show appreciation. A kind word or a small token of gratitude can strengthen the bonds with the people you care about.

In Your Community:

• Be present in daily interactions. Ask the cashier how their day is going and really listen to their response. Smile at a stranger. Treat service workers with respect and kindness.
• Leave things better than you found them. Whether it’s holding the door for someone, cleaning up a shared space, or offering a kind word, these small actions ripple outward.

For Strangers:

• Pay it forward. Cover someone’s coffee in the drive-thru or leave an encouraging note for a stranger.
• Share what you have. Cooking for yourself? Make an extra portion to give to a neighbor, a friend, or someone in need.

When Time is Limited
If you’re short on time, you can still practice lovingkindness in ways that fit your life:

• Send a quick text to check in on a friend.
• Offer a small gift that shows thoughtfulness—whether it’s something homemade or a favorite treat.
• Donate to causes you care about, knowing your generosity extends kindness far beyond your immediate circle.

Why Lovingkindness Matters
These little practices won’t solve all the world’s problems overnight. But they can transform the way we see and experience our daily lives. A bit more kindness can make the universe feel less overwhelming, less harsh, and a little safer.

When we take care of one another, even in small ways, the ripple effects can lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Let’s Start Today
As we begin 2025, let’s commit to practicing more lovingkindness—toward ourselves, the people we love, and those we’ve yet to meet. Together, we can make the world feel a little brighter and a lot more connected.

27/12/2024

Breaking Barriers to Genuine Connection

Connecting with others is one of the cornerstones of good mental health. Building relationships and fostering community can be incredibly fulfilling and act as a buffer against stress and loneliness. But while it might sound simple, many people struggle to connect authentically.

One of the biggest barriers? Showing a genuine interest in others.

Now, that might sound straightforward—just be interested, right? But as with many things, it’s easier said than done. Let’s explore some common obstacles that get in the way of genuine interest and how to overcome them.

What Gets in the Way of Genuine Interest?
1. Anxiety
Anxiety is a huge player in why we sometimes struggle to connect. When we’re anxious, our focus often shifts inward:

• How am I coming across?
• What should I say next?
• What if they’re judging me?

This self-focus can make it difficult to truly listen and engage with the other person. Anxiety also drains our emotional energy, limiting how much we can give in social interactions. And to stay “safe,” we might stick to superficial topics, avoiding anything that feels vulnerable or risky.

2. Biases and Prejudgments
As humans, we’re wired to categorize and simplify information. This can lead to assumptions or stereotyping when we meet someone new. Instead of staying curious, we might think, I already know their story, and stop digging deeper.

While this mental shortcut can feel efficient, it often robs us of the chance to truly understand and connect with others.

3. Distractions
Distractions are everywhere—our phones, the people around us, or even our own busy schedules. When we’re rushing to get to the next thing or mentally ticking off our to-do list, we can’t give our full attention to the person in front of us.

Efficiency may be great for productivity, but it’s the enemy of genuine connection.

4. Perceived Mismatch in Interests
Sometimes we assume we’re too different from the other person to connect meaningfully. This mindset can shut down opportunities to learn about others and discover unexpected commonalities.

How to Foster Genuine Interest in Others
The good news? These barriers aren’t permanent. With some mindfulness and intention, you can overcome them and cultivate meaningful connections.

1. Shift Your Focus
If anxiety has you caught up in self-focused thoughts, practice mindfulness. Bring your attention back to the present moment and truly listen to the other person.

• Instead of worrying about what to say next, focus on what they’re saying now.
• Let go of the need to perform or avoid judgment. Simply be present.
  

2. Cultivate Curiosity
Genuine interest starts with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions that encourage storytelling rather than simple yes/no answers. For example:

• How’s your week been?
• What’s something you’re excited about right now?
• What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?
  

Follow up with thoughtful questions to deepen the conversation and challenge your own assumptions.

3. Limit Distractions
Make a conscious effort to reduce distractions:

• Turn off phone notifications or leave your phone out of reach.
• Slow down. If you’re rushing, recognize that it’s not the best time for meaningful connection.
  

By approaching interactions with a mindset of curiosity and patience, you create the space for real connection to happen.

4. Be Open to Differences
If you feel there’s a mismatch in interests, challenge that assumption. People are more complex than they first appear, and you might be surprised by what you learn if you stay curious and open.

The Bottom Line
Connecting with others isn’t about rushing or getting it perfect—it’s about being present, curious, and open. By slowing down, setting aside distractions, and truly engaging, you can foster deeper and more meaningful relationships.

Some things to think about for today. Ciao!

04/12/2024

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection and Building Connection

Loneliness is something that touches many lives. People often come to therapy feeling isolated, longing for connection but unsure how to create it. One of the biggest barriers to building relationships is the fear of rejection. It’s a powerful force that can hold you back, keeping you from the very connections you crave.

Let’s take a closer look at why this fear can feel so overwhelming and, most importantly, how you can overcome it.

Why We Fear Rejection
The fear of rejection doesn’t come out of nowhere—it’s often rooted in past hurts. Maybe you’ve faced rejection before and internalized the message that being vulnerable equals getting hurt. Over time, these experiences can chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like staying closed off is safer.

Sometimes, fear of rejection even hides behind perfectionism: the belief that you must be perfect to be loved. Here’s the truth: perfectionism is a trap. None of us are perfect, and trying to be will only drain your energy and keep you stuck.

This fear can show up in many ways:

Avoiding opportunities: Whether it’s a promotion at work, joining a community group, or reaching out to someone new, fear of rejection can make you retreat.
Overthinking and catastrophizing: Playing worst-case scenarios on a loop in your mind doesn’t prepare you—it talks you out of action.
Seeking constant validation: Asking, Am I good enough? over and over again can feel like seeking approval, but it doesn’t build genuine self-worth.
Ultimately, all of this can lead to emotional overwhelm, making it even harder to take the small steps needed to connect with others.

How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection
If this sounds familiar, know that fear of rejection is part of the human experience. It doesn’t define your worth, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Everyone gets rejected at some point—it’s part of being alive. Even the richest, smartest, or most beautiful people face rejection. The key is learning how to respond to it.

Here are some strategies to help you take back control:

1. Reframe Rejection
Rejection isn’t a personal failing; it’s often a mismatch. People have different values, interests, and priorities, and not everyone will click. That’s okay! Instead of thinking, What’s wrong with me? consider that it’s simply not the right fit.

2. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Focus on the effort you’re putting in rather than just the outcomes. Did you try something new? Did you learn from it? Celebrate those steps forward, no matter how small. Self-compassion fuels resilience and helps quiet the critical voice inside that says you’re not enough.

3. Challenge Overthinking and Catastrophizing
After a negative experience, reflect on whether it was as bad as you imagined. Often, the reality isn’t nearly as catastrophic as you feared. Reframing these moments can help you move forward with more confidence.

4. Stay Present
Fear of rejection often involves time-traveling in your mind—to a future where you imagine humiliation or a past where things didn’t work out. Instead, practice staying in the moment. Focus on what’s happening now, and breathe through the discomfort. Staying present gives you the best chance to regulate your emotions and approach situations with clarity.

5. Take Small Risks
Overcoming fear doesn’t mean taking massive leaps all at once. Start with small, manageable steps. Say hello to someone new. Ask a coworker how their weekend was. These tiny acts of courage can build your confidence over time, helping you take bigger risks later.

6. Consider Therapy
If the fear of rejection feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can provide a safe space to work through it. A therapist can help you build tools for managing fear, developing self-worth, and navigating relationships with greater ease.

The Bottom Line
Rejection is part of life, but it doesn’t have to define your relationships or your sense of self. With compassion, patience, and a willingness to take small steps, you can move past the fear and create the connections you deserve.

03/12/2024

Understanding Codependency: A Journey Through Relationship Dynamics

Codependency is a term that often arises in conversations about relationships, particularly in therapeutic settings. While frequently misunderstood as an individual diagnosis, it is more accurately described as a dynamic that occurs between two people in a relationship. This blog post draws insights from a series of videos exploring the complexities of codependency, its root causes, and how to foster healthier relationship dynamics.

What Is Codependency?
Codependency isn’t a diagnosis—it’s not listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Instead, it is a relational pattern that emerges when two people unconsciously establish roles that reinforce unhealthy dependence. Rooted in the world of addiction recovery, the term has evolved to describe relationships where one person’s sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner’s, creating a cycle of control and emotional imbalance.

Two Sides of the Codependent Relationship
Codependency typically involves two distinct roles within the relationship dynamic:

1. The Giver
The Giver seeks to maintain the relationship by focusing on their partner’s emotional needs while neglecting their own. Two key struggles often define this role:

• Differentiation: A lack of personal boundaries causes the Giver to lose their sense of self. They rely on their partner’s identity to define their own, creating a fragile emotional foundation.
  
• Anxious Attachment: Givers often fear abandonment and work tirelessly to ensure their partner’s happiness, mistakenly believing this will secure the relationship.

2. The Taker
The Taker often exhibits a narcissistic style of interaction. While they may seem confident and self-assured, their behavior masks a deep fear of vulnerability. Traits of this personality include:

• A focus on control to feel secure in the relationship.
• Difficulty recognizing or addressing the needs of others.
• A defensive stance that shifts blame and deflects emotional responsibility.
  

Why Codependency Happens
Codependency arises from a mutual need for control, albeit through opposing strategies. The Giver attempts to create harmony by over-giving, while the Taker seeks control by prioritizing their own needs. This imbalance can lead to tension, resentment, and a lack of genuine emotional connection.

Reframing Dependency: From Codependence to Interdependence
Despite its negative portrayal, dependency in relationships isn’t inherently bad. Healthy relationships involve mutual dependence—what therapists often refer to as interdependence. This dynamic allows partners to support each other while maintaining individual identities.

Steps to Overcome Codependency:

1. Emotional Communication: Shift from controlling behaviors to expressing needs openly and honestly. Both partners must learn to articulate their feelings and desires.
2. Therapy for Growth: Individual therapy can help each person address unresolved pain and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
3. Focus on Vulnerability: Creating space for vulnerability fosters trust and connection, allowing both partners to feel seen and valued.

The Path to Healthier Relationships
Codependency thrives on a lack of balance and communication. By addressing the underlying dynamics and learning new ways to interact, couples can move from unhealthy dependency to a model of interdependence that allows both partners to flourish.

As this series highlights, relationships are not about erasing dependency but redefining it. With openness, empathy, and a commitment to growth, it is possible to cultivate connections that are both nurturing and empowering.

21/11/2024

Vulnerability vs. Boundaries: Finding the Balance for Connection

Loneliness is a common reason many people seek therapy. That sense of disconnection from others can feel overwhelming, like you're trapped in a room with no doors or windows. For years, I’ve talked about how people are practically dying of loneliness. One way forward, for many, lies in practicing authentic vulnerability. But here's the catch: vulnerability is often confused with poor boundaries. Navigating the tightrope between the two can feel tricky. How do you open yourself up without overexposing yourself?

Vulnerability vs. Bad Boundaries
Think of vulnerability as opening a window where you live. You let in a refreshing breeze of fresh air—healthy and invigorating. Vulnerability invites connection, creating space for authentic relationships.

Bad boundaries, though? That’s like taking your front door off its hinges and inviting raccoons in for a kitchen party. Chaos ensues, and instead of connection, it leaves you feeling exposed, overwhelmed, or even violated.

Both vulnerability and poor boundaries involve a level of openness, which is why they’re easy to confuse. But the key difference lies in intentionality. Vulnerability is measured and thoughtful. It’s about carefully cracking the window open, allowing just enough fresh air to flow. Poor boundaries, on the other hand, are like diving headfirst into a pool without checking if there’s enough water to keep you safe.

The Art of Balanced Vulnerability
Practicing vulnerability doesn’t mean you share everything all at once. It’s about starting small and building trust over time. You open the window a little, see how it feels, and take it from there. Balanced vulnerability creates a sense of mutuality—when you share a part of yourself, it invites others to share, too.

Poor boundaries, by contrast, can feel overwhelming for the person on the receiving end. If you’re oversharing, it might dominate the space, leaving no room for others to engage or connect with you. Instead of fostering connection, it can leave others feeling shell-shocked or unsure how to respond.

A Litmus Test for Sharing
The next time you’re thinking about opening up, ask yourself:

Am I opening the window a little, or am I unhinging the door?
Is my sharing intentional and purposeful?
Does this feel mutual, with space for the other person to engage, or does it feel one-sided?
Vulnerability should feel brave, but also balanced. If it starts to feel like you’re carrying around a bag of bowling balls, with emotions spilling out left and right, it might be a sign to pause and reset.

Building True Connection
Authentic connection grows when we share ourselves thoughtfully and create space for others to do the same. Vulnerability isn’t about revealing every detail of our lives; it’s about inviting others into the conversation with us, step by step.

So, the next time you’re faced with the choice to be vulnerable, remember: crack the window—don’t unhinge the door.

Some things to think about today. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Ciao!

29/10/2024

Getting Real About the Opioid Crisis: Why Forced Treatment Isn’t the Solution

The opioid crisis is hitting communities across Canada hard, from big cities to small towns. One idea that’s gaining traction is forcing people with severe addictions into treatment. On the surface, this seems like a compassionate way to help those at risk. But if we look closer, it’s clear that this approach misses some key realities.

As a psychologist working in addiction, I get why involuntary treatment sounds appealing. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you care about self-destruct, and forced treatment feels like a lifeline. But the truth is, addiction usually runs a lot deeper. It’s not as simple as just getting people to stop using drugs. For most, addiction is tied to something much more painful beneath the surface.

Addiction Isn’t the Real Problem—It’s Trauma

By the time someone is seriously addicted, they’re usually not using drugs just for fun. For a lot of people, addiction is a way to cope with overwhelming pain—often rooted in trauma. Drugs become a way to survive, not just something to “quit.” Forcing people into treatment often fails because it treats addiction as a behavior issue rather than a response to unresolved pain. This approach only reinforces harmful stereotypes about addiction being a choice or a personal failing.

Imagine addiction like a yard full of dandelions. Sure, you can mow them down, but the roots are still there. Eventually, they’ll come back. Real recovery means addressing those roots—things like trauma, poverty, and limited access to healthcare.

Why Forced Treatment Misses the Point

There are other issues with forced treatment, too. First, it makes addiction seem like just a “bad behavior” that needs fixing. This places blame squarely on the individual, ignoring the larger issues driving the crisis in the first place.

There’s also the question of resources: Where would all these treatment beds come from? We’re already stretched thin, with waitlists for people who actually want help. Instead of pushing forced treatment, wouldn’t it make more sense to invest in preventive care?

Looking at the Bigger Picture

If we’re serious about change, we need to address the bigger issues that lead to addiction. What if mental health care was more accessible, especially for people dealing with trauma? Or if we tackled issues like poverty, unstable housing, and systemic discrimination? These are the things that contribute to addiction, and they need to be addressed if we want real solutions.

At the end of the day, addiction isn’t about “bad choices.” It’s a complex mix of trauma, social factors, and a lack of support. Instead of punishing people who are already struggling, let’s focus on building a system that offers real help—before it’s too late.

So, let’s think about this today. We need to be kinder to ourselves and to each other and remember that lasting change comes from tackling the real issues, not just the symptoms.

10/03/2024

The Common Struggles of Fertility Treatments: What Women and Men Go Through Together

Fertility treatments—just saying those two words can bring a wave of emotions. For many, it’s a journey they never expected to take, and once you're on that path, you quickly realize it's a lot more complicated than you ever thought. It’s both physically and emotionally exhausting, for everyone involved.

If you're in it, you know what I mean. If you're thinking about starting the process, buckle up. Fertility treatments don't just affect one partner—they affect both. Whether you're the one going through the medical procedures or you’re supporting your partner, there's a whole mix of struggles that come along for the ride. Let’s talk about some of the big ones that both women and men face.

1. The Emotional Roller Coaster
This is probably the most obvious struggle. Whether you're the one taking
hormones or giving the injections—both partners will go through their own emotional ups and downs throughout the fertility treatment process. Women often bear the brunt of it physically, but that doesn’t mean men have it easy. The constant waiting, the highs of hope, the lows of
disappointment—it’s a shared emotional journey. And those hormones? Yeah, they can make emotions run wild for everyone. Women find themselves crying over commercials or feeling irritable for no reason. Men can feel helpless, frustrated, and even guilt-ridden for not being able to "fix" things.

2. Financial Stress
It’s no secret that fertility treatments are expensive. From medications to procedures like IVF, the bills add up fast. For many couples, this becomes a huge point of stress. Do you dip into your savings? Take out a loan? How many rounds of treatment can you proceed with before you run out of money? And what if it doesn’t work after spending all that money? Both women and men feel this financial pressure, and it can lead to arguments or guilt, especially if one partner feels more responsible for the cost.

3. Feeling Like You're Failing
Let’s be real—fertility issues can make you feel like you're failing at something that's supposed to be "natural". Women often feel this in their bones, especially when their bodies don’t respond to treatments the way they hoped. You start questioning your worth or why your body can’t just do the thing it was biologically designed to do.

Men aren’t immune to these feelings either. If there’s a male factor issue - like low sperm count or motility - men often feel a hit to their masculinity. Even if the issue isn’t on the guy’s side, it’s hard not to feel like you’re somehow falling short when you're unable to help your partner get pregnant.

4. The Invasive Nature of It All
For women, fertility treatments often feel like one invasive procedure after another—blood work, ultrasounds, injections, egg retrievals. It's physically taxing and mentally exhausting.

For men, though they aren’t undergoing as many procedures, it’s still invasive in a different way. Being asked to "perform" on command can be stressful and emotionally uncomfortable. Giving daily injections to your partner can feel distressing, especially when you see the physical and
emotional effects the injections have on your partner. Plus, watching your partner go through so much can make men feel like they're just standing on the sidelines, unable to do much to help.

5. Sex Becomes... Awkward
Remember when sex was fun and spontaneous? Yeah, fertility treatments can change that. Suddenly, sex becomes something you schedule around ovulation or doctor’s orders. It can feel like a chore rather than something intimate and enjoyable. And for many couples, the joy can get sucked out of it when the focus is purely on baby-making. Both men and women can end up feeling disconnected from each other, turning what was once a natural part of their relationship into something clinical and pressured.

6. Isolation
Fertility struggles can make you feel so alone. Even though you and your partner are in it together, the journey can be isolating. You might stop hanging out with friends because you're tired of seeing baby bumps or getting asked when you're going to start a family. Both women and men can feel this sense of isolation, even though it's often women who are more open about their struggles. Men, on the other hand, may keep quiet, which can make them feel even more alone in the process.

7. Decision Fatigue
After months (or even years) of tests and treatments, the decisions start piling up. Do we try another round of IVF? Should we explore egg or sperm donors? What about adoption? These are huge life decisions, and the weight of them can feel overwhelming for both partners. Each choice has its own set of risks, emotional tolls, and financial implications. You might not always agree on the best path forward, which can lead to tension and confusion.

8. The Lack of Control
At the end of the day, one of the hardest things for both partners is the loss of control. You can do everything right—take all the meds, follow the doctor's orders, show up for every appointment—and still, things might not go the way you want. That lack of control over your own fertility can be maddening for both women and men. It’s a helpless feeling that nobody
enjoys, and it’s one of the toughest parts of this entire journey.

In Conclusion

Fertility treatments aren’t easy, and they don’t just affect one person. Both women and men face a range of physical, emotional, and financial struggles along the way. But the key thing to remember is that you're in this together. Lean on each other, talk about how you're feeling (even when it’s uncomfortable), and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but knowing you're not alone in these struggles can make the path a little bit easier to walk.

If any of this resonates with you, you may want to reach out to Leily, here at Rippeyoung & Associates. Leily has a passion for and a background in working with people and couples who are making the difficult transition from a life with no kids to a life where you hope for children but are faced with uncertainty.

22/08/2024

Compassion Over Judgement: A Call to See the Humanity in Everyone

Hey everyone. Yesterday, I posted about the closure of safe injection sites here in Ontario, and something that came up in the comments really hit me hard. Someone remarked that "junkies don't contribute to society," and honestly, it broke my heart. I feel so strongly that all humans are deserving of compassion—every single one of us. We all have inherent dignity and worth. We need to remember that people who use drugs, those who are so dependent they require a safe injection site, didn’t dream as children that this would be their future.

Nobody grows up thinking, “One day, I hope I become addicted to something that might kill me.” People end up in these situations for countless reasons, and this rush to blame them, to shame them for their choices, is part of a much larger problem we have in our culture—this obsession with personal responsibility.

Yes, of course, personal accountability matters. But we’ve created this atmosphere where if something goes wrong in someone’s life, we immediately jump to asking, “What did you do wrong?” Take health, for example. Someone gets lung cancer and suddenly we’re asking if they smoked, if they brought it on themselves. Liver cancer? Oh, they must have been heavy drinkers. It’s like we can’t help but look for a way to make it their fault, as if that will somehow protect us from having to face the same fate.

This mentality is particularly damaging when it comes to mental health. You have no idea what someone else is going through, where their life took a hard left turn, or what genetic factors might be at play. There’s so much we don’t know, and yet we’re so quick to judge. It’s not that we don’t have personal agency—of course we do—but sometimes, life is just outside of our control. Sometimes, things go wrong despite our best efforts.

And this brings me to something I saw at the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic. There was so much blaming and shaming happening around what was “good behavior,” and during that time, I came across a poem by someone with the handle @69herbs. I’ve shared this poem before, but it feels especially relevant now. It’s called "If You Get Sick, I Love You":

"If you get sick, I will not tell you you should have eaten better, exercised more, taken herbs, worn a condom, stayed sober, been safer. I will not try to figure out at what precise moment of your particular human carelessness you contracted the disease. I will not tell you it’s your fault that you were selfish or high risk or reckless with this body of yours, vulnerable as mine and just as capable of betrayal. I will not say well what did you expect it was a matter of time you get what you deserve you asked for it because if shame was medicine we’d all be healed by now."

"I’ll think about how viruses are proteins looking for hosts and how we are animals alive and desperate warm-blooded and whole and how we are humans exposed and terrified, making up stories of borders and boundaries as if we live in self-contained units where nothing comes in and nothing goes out."

"Honey, if you get sick (when you get sick) I will love you I will ask you what you need to feel better and I will do my very best to get you that cup of ramen, extra blanket, HBO login, pack of spirits, grocery delivery, I will tell you that you’re not alone, send you memes and whisper your name in soft prayers of healing by the hot pink candle on my windowsill."

"I’ll send my biggest rage and grief to the state, the stars, the forces that abandon us that make us go to work and then pay for health care and pay to survive and I will keep loving these bodies, yours and mine, that are always our own and always each other’s porous and sublime that make way for touch as they make way for sickness."

This poem is so powerful because it reminds us that we are all vulnerable. We are all human. Compassion is the one thing we can give each other that actually makes a difference. Blame and shame don’t heal. They don’t help anyone.

At the start of this year, I called for 2024 to be the year of compassion. I’m still holding onto that hope. If you’re someone who tends to focus on personal responsibility and choices, I want to encourage you to take a step back. Consider that we don’t control everything, and maybe—just maybe—all of us are doing the best we can. Sometimes that’s enough, and sometimes it isn’t, but everyone deserves a little grace.

Some things to think about today. I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today. 

21/08/2024

Closing Safe Injection Sites: A Missed Opportunity for Safety and Conversations

Heya! So yesterday, our provincial government made a big announcement—they’re closing down ten safe injection sites across the province. Five of these sites are in Toronto, and one is here in Ottawa. The reason for the closures? Their proximity to schools and childcare centers. The new policy states that these types of facilities can’t be within 200 meters of schools or childcare, and lo and behold, these ten sites are in violation of that rule, so they’re being shut down.

Now, I understand the argument here—people want to protect children from “unsavory elements,” and they believe that around safe injection sites, there’s an increased risk of criminal activity and violence. On the surface, it makes sense, right? But I honestly think this decision is terrible for a lot of reasons.

First, it’s pretty clear to me that there wasn’t a lot of consultation with health professionals in this field. If there had been, the government would know that closing safe injection sites doesn’t remove drugs from the community or make those neighborhoods safer. Instead, it just puts drug users at even greater risk. These sites exist to provide a safe place for people to use, test their drugs for harmful substances, and reduce the chances of overdoses or death. Without them, people will still be using drugs in those communities—just without the safety net that the sites offer.

And as for using children as the reason behind these closures? I don’t buy it. The argument that we need to “protect” kids by keeping them from seeing drug use or drug users doesn’t actually protect them. What it does is reinforce the stigma around substance use and certain groups of people. We already talk to kids about hard stuff—when a family member gets sick, when there’s violence in the news, even things like “stranger danger,” which is essentially a way of talking about sexual abuse. We find ways to talk about these things with kids in an age-appropriate way.

So why is substance use off the table? Why is it controversial to have these conversations with young people? It’s another way we stigmatize certain behaviors and communities, and it does a huge disservice to everyone involved. Kids live in these communities, and they’re going to see these issues whether we like it or not. Instead of shielding them, we should be talking openly with our children, promoting family values, and using these moments as opportunities for learning and discussion.

Parents want their kids to share their values, right? That’s part of the job of parenting—to instill values in children. Safe injection sites, if anything, offer a chance to have those important conversations about safety, responsibility, and danger. It’s a way for parents to talk to their kids about what’s happening in their communities, about why supervision might be necessary, and how to navigate difficult topics.

We shouldn’t wait until it’s too late or until kids are getting poor information from their peers or other sources. We want to protect our children, and sometimes the best way to do that is to be honest and open about the world they’re living in.

Some things to think about today. Take care of yourselves and each other. Ciao!

14/08/2024

Living in the Present Moment: Embracing Mid-August

Heya! So, we've reached the middle of August, and this time of year can feel a bit strange for many people. If you're someone who runs on the school year schedule, you might already be thinking about September and what's coming next. The last few weeks of summer can feel weird, especially if you're projecting yourself into September instead of living in the present moment. Similarly, for those of you who work in large organizations, summer is often a slow time due to rolling vacations. People are away, things are slower, and it's easy to start thinking about September.

But here's the thing: when we focus too much on what's coming next, we lose out on the time we have right now. We tell ourselves that things will be different in September, but if we're looking to make changes or live life fully, the time to do that is now. There’s no better time than the last couple of weeks of August to make some shifts in your life, explore new things, and embrace the moment. If work is slow or summer feels like it’s winding down, you probably have fewer responsibilities or distractions that might keep you from trying something new.

September often brings a lot of change—new schedules, new routines—and if that month usually overwhelms you, why not use this time to prepare? Practice getting some routines in place now so that when September hits, you’re not trying to juggle everything all at once. Instead, you'll already have some supportive habits running smoothly in the background. This way, September might feel a little less chaotic and more manageable.

So, make the most of this time now. Live now. Stay in the present moment because this is where we can actually do things, try things, and see new ways of being. Some things to think about. 

24/07/2024

On Psychotherapy

As a psychologist, I’m a big proponent of therapy because it helps us learn more about ourselves, understand our contexts and social worlds better, and improve our relationships. Therapy can also help us process difficult past or current events and see how our thoughts and feelings shape our perspectives and the perspectives of others. There’s a lot of good that can come out of therapy.

However, it’s important to manage expectations when starting therapy. First off, therapy is not a crisis management service. If you’re in a crisis and decide to start therapy, be prepared for the first few sessions to involve a lot of history-taking. This includes not just the current problem you’re facing, but also a detailed history of your life, your relationships with family members growing up and today, past relationships, past adversities, your trauma history, and other aspects like where you work or went to school and how you found those experiences. Your therapist doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all treatment plan, so therapy is tailored to your individual history and needs.

If you have a pressing issue that you need resolved immediately, therapy might not be the quick fix you’re hoping for. It’s a process that takes time, and it’s not going to get sorted out in just one or two sessions.

Another common misconception is that more therapy is better, like taking a higher dose of medication. That’s not the case. We need time between therapy sessions to go out into the world, try things out, and let the insights from therapy settle in and consolidate. Having a weekend full of therapy sessions, hour after hour, isn’t typically how change happens.

If you have expectations about therapy, it’s crucial to discuss them with your therapist at the start. Talk about how you think therapy should go or how you hope it will go. This is a good way to assess fit with your therapist. If your therapist’s approach doesn’t align with your vision, consider whether that’s going to be a good fit for you. Therapy is a collaborative process, and it’s important to feel comfortable and aligned with your therapist’s methods.

If you’re frustrated with your therapist from the beginning, you’re probably not going to get very far, and it won’t be very helpful for you.

Some things to think about. I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today. Ciao!
 
 

03/07/2024

On Context and Personal Accountability

Heya! Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of context in understanding ourselves and our behaviors. It seems our culture tends to overemphasize personal accountability, often to the point of ignoring the context in which our actions are embedded. While it's true that we are accountable for our actions, it's also important to consider the surrounding context—not as an excuse, but as a way to understand the complexities of our behaviors.

This overemphasis on personal accountability is rooted in the belief that we can control all the factors in our lives. But the truth is, we can’t. We hear things like, "Other people don’t cause your feelings; you’re responsible for your own feelings." While we are indeed responsible for managing our feelings, the feelings themselves often arise in reaction to external events or actions of others. They’re not just manufactured out of thin air while we’re minding our own business.

Many systems we grow up in, and live in as adults, teach us that there's a "right way" to do things. If we follow this prescribed way, everything will supposedly work out. This leads us to internalize blame when things don’t go as planned. We think, "If everything was in my control, I could have just done it the right way." This internalization is especially prevalent among those of us who have experienced trauma. It’s the flip side of the coin: believing that if we hold ourselves responsible for the actions of others, we can change ourselves to avoid future trauma. But that’s not how it works.

This brings me to my bid for compassion and self-compassion. These can help us look at situations through a more understanding lens. By acknowledging the context, we can figure out why we made certain decisions—like why we turned right instead of left, or why we put ourselves in risky situations. Self-blame for misfortunes often overlooks the larger context that influenced our actions.

Compassion allows us to recognize our role in things while also identifying factors outside our control. This dual awareness helps us manage our reactions and behaviors better. We might not always have perfect responses, but understanding why certain situations evoke strong internal reactions can guide us in managing these feelings constructively.

For instance, if you get really upset with someone and things escalate, there will be consequences. But if you understand why you’re feeling that way internally, you can figure out a better way to manage the situation so you don’t end up feeling ashamed or embarrassed later.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today.

26/06/2024

On Nonlinear Progress in Therapy

When it comes to therapy, many people approach it with the expectation that change and progress will be linear. They think if they put in the work, they'll see consistent, predictable improvements over time. While this can sometimes be the case, more often than not, progress in therapy, like many things in life, is nonlinear and discontinuous.

Consider how babies develop. Often, just before they achieve a new developmental milestone, their systems become disorganized. A baby who had good sleeping habits might suddenly have disrupted sleep and seem off in their mood. Then, a week later, they start rolling over or saying new words. Life often mirrors this pattern. In therapy, we create a safe space to get comfortable and talk about what's going on. Many therapeutic interventions are designed to disrupt existing thought and behavioral patterns to help people understand themselves in new ways. It's like a switch flips suddenly.

Sure, you can be journaling every day, paying attention to diet and exercise, and building healthy habits, but often, it's a sudden insight that reorients you. Suddenly, some things you were struggling with become easier. This doesn’t mean your life will stay easy forever or that healing is an end state. Challenges will resurface, and while you might handle them healthily after a good bout of therapy, there's no guarantee.

This is how nonlinear or discontinuous change happens. We get multiple attempts at things. While it would be great to always hit it out of the park, sometimes we'll fall back on old patterns that once served us but no longer do. I share this because people can often feel frustrated in therapy, thinking they're not following a straight line of progress, but life and therapy aren’t really like that.

So, go easy on yourself. Continue to show up and do the work. Over time, you'll likely see changes in yourself that might surprise you or changes in surprising ways.

Take care of yourselves and each other today.

12/06/2024

On Therapy as "Man School"

Heya! Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an event organized by the Dare to be Vulnerable Project here in Ottawa. This nonprofit's mission is to get people talking more and more about mental health to reduce stigma. The idea is that if leaders in various industries start these conversations, it could create safer workplaces where mental health issues can be openly discussed. The goal is to make people feel less shame, ask for more support, and offer support to one another, thereby avoiding some of the really terrible consequences that arise when mental health issues spiral out of control.

I appreciate this movement, and yesterday’s event, titled "Men Do Cry," was targeted at male leaders, focusing on men and mental health. It was a powerful day aimed at normalizing feelings for men and encouraging open discussions about our emotions and thoughts around who we are and how we are.

One speaker said something that struck me immediately. He referred to his therapy journey as "Man School," and I love this idea. Therapy as a way for men to learn how to be good men by learning about, differentiating, and appropriately expressing our feelings is profound. Think about little boys; if you’ve ever spent time around a three-year-old boy, you’ll see they have feelings for sure. However, our culture systematically teaches boys over time to shut off or turn away from their feelings. This isn’t encoded in the XY chromosome; it’s a learned behavior.

If boys can learn to turn off their feelings, they can certainly learn to turn them back on and make use of them because feelings are important. They’re crucial for living and are a vital part of decision-making. It’s not that we should run entirely on feelings all the time, but the information we get from our feelings is critical for making good decisions, whether in business, personal life, or elsewhere.

I love the idea of therapy as Man School. If we’re going to teach boys to turn off their feelings, as adults, we can start teaching ourselves and each other how to turn those feelings back on and use them effectively. Feelings are always there; it's just a matter of what we do with them. Ignoring them will only cause them to come out sideways. Because boys are often taught through reward and punishment that they shouldn’t have or express certain feelings, we need to help them unlearn this.

Another thing I love about the idea of therapy being Man School is because therapy isn't a one size fits all. Since therapy is tailored to the individual, the results will also be individualized, meaning that there will be diversity in how men express and deal with their feelings. It doesn’t have to look a specific way. There isn’t one right universal way to express yourself; it has to be coherent with your style, authentic to who you are as a person, and reflective of your lived experiences. So, a group of men who can express their emotions appropriately will show great diversity. It's not about reducing all men to one image but making you more YOU. Therapy helps you understand yourself better so you can show up as more of who you are.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today. 

10/06/2024

On Father's Day: Embracing Emotional Growth

Father's Day is coming up later this week, and it's got me reflecting on fatherhood and the complexities that come with this special day. One crucial point to remember is that fathers didn't start out as fathers; they began as little boys. Unfortunately, in our society, we often fail to teach our boys how to express their feelings effectively. We tend to reinforce the idea of being the strong, silent type or the easygoing, fun guy. However, when it comes to more complex emotions, we don't do a great job of guiding our sons on how to navigate and express these feelings constructively.

Many men only begin to understand their emotions through their romantic relationships, which is a tragedy. By then, they often have to learn tough lessons after numerous failed or challenging relationships, leaving a trail of emotional wreckage. Just because we haven't been socialized well to handle emotions doesn't mean we can't take steps as adults to learn and value this important aspect of life. Emotions exist whether we acknowledge them or not. If we bottle them up or deny them, they tend to come out sideways, causing more harm than good to ourselves and others.

A big part of fatherhood is about having a meaningful relationship with your children, which benefits both the kids and the fathers. Dads have a significant influence on their children's lives, and whether they are actively involved or not, it has an impact. Therefore, it's essential for adult men to learn to differentiate their emotions, understand how and when to express them, and do so in a way that feels genuine.

This topic is particularly relevant during Pride Month, as many in the queer community have strained relationships with their fathers. Often, it's not because their fathers are inherently unkind but because they are not well-versed in handling emotions and relationships. Young people care deeply about their parents' opinions, even if they sometimes seem dismissive. Fathers—and mothers—play a crucial role in their children's lives.

If you are a dad or love a dad, encourage him to get in touch with his emotions and show up for his kids. You can't tell a child you love them too much. Expressing love openly and honestly is life-saving for young people and beneficial for their emotional health. And guess what? There are numerous positive outcomes for men who are active in their children's lives. Engaging with your children is good for you too. It fosters better relationships and makes celebrations like Father's Day less fraught and more joyous.

So, as we approach Father's Day, let's remember the importance of emotional growth and connection. I'm gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today.

06/06/2024

"Shoulds" are Garbage: Finding True Fulfillment 

Heya! I want to share some insights that might resonate with many of you.

One common theme that brings people into my office is this realization: they've worked hard, achieved what they thought would make them happy, but still feel disappointed or dissatisfied. Then comes the self-criticism for not being grateful enough or not appreciating what they have. I believe a significant part of this struggle comes from chasing what they think they 'should' want rather than what they genuinely desire.

Often, people don't know what they want, so they default to what’s considered 'objectively' good. They follow societal expectations, influenced by social media, family, and community, pursuing dreams that aren't truly theirs. Without a personal connection to these goals, they end up feeling unfulfilled.

This disconnect also happens because people find it challenging to introspect and identify their true desires. It’s easier to follow societal norms and hope for the best. But let’s make introspection a bit easier with some guiding questions: What’s genuinely important to you? How do you want to spend your time? What do you value most? By answering these, you can start prioritizing and aligning your decisions with your authentic self.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to what’s objectively good. What works for others might not work for you. Following someone else’s path often leads to dissatisfaction because it doesn't align with your interests and values.

Working with both adults and teenagers, I see this issue starting early. Young people are pressured to have everything figured out, aiming for excellence and success measured by teachable skills. But figuring things out involves trying and sometimes failing. Fear of making wrong choices—like picking the wrong major or job—paralyzes them, worrying they’ll fall behind.

Experimenting is crucial. Just like shopping for clothes, trying different paths helps you find what fits. A large size varies across brands, and so do life choices. If something doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean you’re behind; it means you’re learning and growing.

These ideas can guide us towards decisions that bring true satisfaction. It’s about pursuing what we genuinely want, not what we think we should want. This shift leads to a more fulfilling life.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today.

05/06/2024

Why Pride Matters: A Reflection

Hey there! Since it’s June, which means it’s Pride Month, I wanted to share some thoughts on why Pride still matters. Happy Pride to everyone celebrating!

Every June, we celebrate Pride, and every June, I see the same exhausting questions pop up on social media. Questions like, "Do we really still need Pride? You all have your rights already," or "Why isn’t there a Straight Pride Month?" These questions often feel more like passive-aggressive pushback on our existence than genuine curiosity. So, let’s talk about why Pride is still so important and a bit of its history.

It was only 55 years ago this month that Canada decriminalized homosexuality. That might seem like a long time to some, but the oldest Gen Xer was just four years old then. Before decriminalization, being gay was illegal. You could be arrested, fined, or jailed simply for being who you are. The day after Canada decriminalized homosexuality, the Stonewall Riots erupted in New York City. The police raided the Stonewall Inn, a queer bar, and the patrons fought back. This led to the first big Pride event in 1970, marking a significant protest against injustice and a fight for rights.

Pride started from a place of protest and anger, not just celebration and glitter. Even after decriminalization, homosexuality was still considered a mental illness. The American Psychiatric Association didn’t declassify it as an illness until 1975, and the World Health Organization didn’t follow suit until 1991. That's only 33 years ago, well within many of our lifetimes. Just think about that—it wasn’t that long ago that existing as a queer person was considered sick.

In recent years, we’ve made significant progress. There’s been legislation, reduced stigma, and it’s become easier for some people to come out. However, we’re also seeing pushback and regression in some areas. For example, changes in sexual health curriculum in places like Ontario often exclude families like mine, suggesting that queer families are controversial or inappropriate to discuss with children. There are lots of age-appropriate ways to talk about diversity and ensure that the rights and freedoms we’ve gained are not taken for granted.

Beyond these broader issues, there’s also the day-to-day struggles of existing as a queer person. For instance, when starting a new job, everyone worries about whether it will be a good environment. But if you’re queer, you might also wonder if it’s safe to be openly yourself at work. Can you talk about your weekend like everyone else? Will you be judged or excluded because of who you are? These small, everyday concerns add up and can lead to missed opportunities and unnecessary stress.

Pride matters because it creates spaces where we can simply be ourselves. Last year, I was walking to my car in a parking garage, and someone screamed a slur at me from across the empty lot. I wasn’t interacting with anybody, just existing. And then, there are the more tragic incidents, like the Pulse nightclub shooting eight years ago, where someone opened fire because the patrons were queer. These things are still happening—it’s not just ancient history.

This is why we need Pride. It’s not about just tolerance; it’s about being allowed to be proud of who we are and our community. Pride is crucial because it can be life-saving for many people. The lack of safe spaces can be life-ending for some of us.

If you’re someone who isn’t a fan of Pride, remember, you don’t have to attend any events. But understand that many of us still face discrimination daily. For those who come from communities that haven’t been traditionally marginalized, I have a message for you: I’m not saying your life isn’t hard, but your gender and sexuality didn’t make your day harder from the moment you woke up. That’s what we mean by privilege—you don’t have to worry if your identity will inspire cruelty or violence.

So, yeah, we still need Pride. And no, we don’t need a Straight Pride Month. You get all the other days. We’re just asking for recognition, for a moment to celebrate who we are. That’s it.

I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today.

03/06/2024

Therapy is Not a One-Size-Fits-All

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about a common misconception many people have when they start therapy: the idea that therapy is a one-size-fits-all solution.

A lot of folks are surprised to learn that therapy isn’t the same for everyone. While there are some common approaches that can be helpful, the way two people experience the same situation can be very different. Because of this, therapy needs to adapt to each person's unique needs and circumstances.

For example, someone might come in saying, “I’m going through a breakup and need coping skills,” or “I think I’m dealing with depression, burnout, or anxiety. Please help me.” It’s easy to think that there’s a standard method that works for everyone, but this isn’t true. The way you understand your symptoms and how they developed can shape the meaning you make of your experiences. This understanding varies from person to person.

Take depression, for instance. While there are common features like low mood, other aspects can differ based on personal history and individual makeup. One person might see their depression as largely genetic, while another might link it to a series of life events and past experiences. These different perspectives will influence how each person works through their issues in therapy.

We often talk about the benefits of diet, rest, and exercise for managing depression and anxiety. These basics can help everyone, whether they’re struggling or not. But therapy goes deeper. It helps us understand ourselves in the context of our lives and symptoms. What works for one person might not work the same for another, and that’s okay. It’s not about something being wrong with the person or the suggestion; it’s about finding what fits your natural style and situation.

Therapy isn’t just about using a set list of coping skills. If it were that simple, we wouldn’t need therapy—everyone would just read self-help books. Coping skills are useful, but sometimes they only help us get by in situations that aren’t good for us. Therapy can help us see when it’s time to change our situation instead of just coping with it.

So, remember, therapy is about understanding yourself and your personal history. It’s not a cookie-cutter process. If you’re struggling with something, therapy can help you figure out what’s in your control to change, what isn’t, and how to manage things in a way that works for you.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

30/05/2024

Inner Critic vs. Wise Mind: Understanding the Difference

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about something many of us struggle with: the difference between our inner critic and our inner wise mind. It's easy to confuse these two, but understanding the distinction can make a big difference in how we approach our thoughts and actions.

Our inner critic is that harsh, negative voice inside us. It’s not helpful or balanced. Instead, it focuses on our fears, twists facts to make us feel worse, and often speaks in extremes and absolutes. This is the voice that tears us down when we make mistakes, calling us "failures" or "losers." It's repetitive, intrusive, and downright mean.

On the other hand, our wise mind is the part of us that blends logic and reason with compassion. The wise mind acknowledges when we've made mistakes, but it doesn't beat us up over them. Instead, it uses these moments as opportunities for learning and growth. The wise mind is kind and understanding, looking at the full context of our actions and asking why we did something, rather than just condemning us for it.

Cultivating our wise mind means accepting that we're imperfect and that it's okay to have regrets or to need to make amends. The wise mind helps us move forward in ways that align with our values and true selves. It's about finding balance, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

Many people mistake the inner critic for the wise mind because they believe being harsh on themselves is necessary for learning lessons. But that's not true. The inner critic is mostly just mean and driven by fear. It doesn't help us grow or move forward in positive ways. Compassion, balance, and acceptance—these are the qualities we need to develop our wise mind. This approach allows us to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and make those mistakes worthwhile.

So, next time you catch that harsh inner voice, try to recognize it for what it is: the inner critic. Then, take a moment to listen for your wise mind instead. It’s there to help you learn and grow with kindness and understanding.

Some things to think about today. Look after yourselves and each other. 

29/05/2024

The Importance of Vacations: A Psychologist's Perspective

Hey there! I just got back from a lovely week-long vacation, and with summer just around the corner, it's the perfect time to talk about vacations and their role in good living.

First off, we all need regular time off and rest. Whether you travel somewhere or stay home, what's important is giving yourself a break and moving through time differently. When we're not constantly at work, we live differently and can truly recharge.

If you find yourself living from vacation to vacation, dreading your daily life, it's time to re-evaluate. You might be able to bring some elements of vacation into your everyday routine to make life more sustainable. Look at the list of things you "have to" do and figure out your actual priorities. Incorporating more regular rest into your daily life can prevent you from feeling completely drained by the time your vacation arrives. Remember, vacations are great for recharging, but if you're starting out already exhausted, you won't get the full benefit.

A common struggle with vacations is the feeling of having to work extra hard before leaving or after returning, as if you didn't take any time off at all. This is often a mental trap influenced by our work culture. If you feel like you need to work extra just to take a break, the problem likely lies in the structure of your workplace, not in you. Be kind to yourself and understand that catching up on emails and tasks after a vacation is still part of your job. Don't set unrealistic expectations that every minute of your workday should be super productive.

Lastly, think about what you want to achieve with your vacation time. Many people have expectations but don't plan ahead, leading to disappointment. If your goal is to recharge, focus on activities that genuinely refresh you. If you want to make memories with family or friends, find activities you all enjoy. And if you're looking to explore new places or try new things, plan deliberately to align with your values and needs. This way, you'll be happier with how you spent your time off.

So, take some time to think about how you can incorporate rest into your daily life and make the most of your vacations. Look after yourselves and each other. 

16/05/2024

Navigating Facts and Assumptions: A Psychologist's Perspective

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about something that really affects how we think, feel, and act: the difference between facts and assumptions.

Facts are solid. They're things we can prove and see. Assumptions, on the other hand, are more like guesses. They fill in the gaps when we don't have all the information. We might believe in them strongly, but they're often influenced by our fears, worries, and what we think others are thinking.

When we realize we're working with assumptions, we get a chance to check them against the facts. This helps us figure out if we're making decisions based on reality or just our interpretations, which might not always be helpful. A lot of us go through life mistaking assumptions for facts, but unlike facts, assumptions can change when we look at them more closely.

How we interpret events has a big impact on how we feel. Two people can go through the same thing but feel completely different about it because of their different assumptions or perspectives. We often have ideas about how things "should" be, which can lead to disappointment when reality doesn't match up.

So, how do we tell the difference between facts and assumptions, especially when things get tough? We might start with looking inward. Ask yourself: What do I really know for sure? What proof do I have for my beliefs, and what might need more checking? Also, knowing that our minds like to create stories about events can help us separate what’s real from what we’re assuming.

Think about a common situation like being late for an appointment. The fact is simple—the appointment time has passed. But assumptions about why you're late can be all over the place. Maybe it was due to unexpected issues or personal problems unrelated to the appointment. Jumping to conclusions based on these assumptions can cause misunderstandings and stress.

In the end, being able to separate facts from assumptions helps us see things more clearly and be kinder to ourselves and others. By questioning our assumptions and looking for the truth, we can build better relationships and make smarter choices. So next time you’re feeling stuck, take a moment to ask yourself what you know and what you’re guessing. It might help you find a calmer, more satisfying path.

Take care of yourselves and each other. 

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