16/04/2025

The Role of Peer Relationships and Technology in Teen Mental Health

By Vanessa Cardinal

Adolescence is a time of rapid growth and identity formation. One of the most influential aspects of this stage is peer relationships—friendships, social groups, and the ever-present desire for acceptance and belonging. Add to this the digital landscape of social media and constant connectivity, and it becomes clear how profoundly these factors shape teens' mental health, self-esteem, and behaviour.

The Impact of Peer Relationships
Peers play a central role in a teen's life. They provide a sense of identity outside of the family, offer emotional support, and help adolescents navigate social norms. But peer influence can also lead to pressure, comparison, and exclusion.

• Peer Pressure – Whether it’s experimenting with substances, engaging in risky behaviours, or conforming to social expectations, the desire to fit in can override a teen’s internal compass. This can lead to internal conflict and impact decision-making.
  
• Social Comparison – Teens naturally compare themselves to those around them. When peers seem more confident, attractive, or successful, it can create feelings of inadequacy or low self-worth.
  
• Belonging vs. Exclusion – Inclusion in peer groups boosts self-esteem and resilience, while exclusion or social rejection can deeply wound a teen’s sense of self and increase vulnerability to anxiety and depression.
  

The Double-Edged Sword of Technology

Technology and social media have transformed the way teens connect—but not without consequences. These platforms offer opportunities for community, expression, and support, but they also bring challenges that can negatively impact mental health.

• Curated Realities – On social media, people often present idealized versions of their lives. Teens may compare their behind-the-scenes to someone else’s highlight reel, leading to unrealistic expectations and body image concerns.
  
• Cyberbullying – Unlike in-person bullying, cyberbullying can be relentless and inescapable. Hurtful comments or exclusion can follow teens into their homes, making it difficult to find respite.
  
• Validation Seeking – Many teens derive self-worth from likes, shares, or follower counts. This external validation can become a metric for self-esteem, leaving them vulnerable to fluctuating moods and self-doubt.
  
• Fear of Missing Out (FOMO) – Constant exposure to what others are doing can create anxiety and the feeling of always being left out, even when one is socially active offline.
  

Navigating These Pressures

Helping teens understand and navigate the impact of peer relationships and technology is a valuable part of supporting their mental wellness.

• Build Awareness – Encouraging teens to notice how social media makes them feel can promote healthier habits. Are they uplifted or drained? Inspired or anxious?
  
• Promote Digital Boundaries – Taking breaks from screens, curating their feed, and engaging in real-life activities can help teens find balance.
  
• Foster Real Connections – Encouraging quality friendships based on trust and authenticity can reduce the pressure to conform.
  
• Validate Their Experience – Let teens know their struggles with social pressure or online life are real and valid. They’re not being “too sensitive”—they’re responding to a very complex and emotionally charged environment.
  
• Model and Teach Self-Worth – Helping teens develop a strong internal sense of worth—one that isn’t dependent on peer approval or online popularity—can protect their mental health.
  

Final Thoughts
Teens today are navigating an incredibly complex social world, both offline and online. By understanding the role of peer dynamics and technology, adults can offer more compassionate and informed support. Creating space for open conversations about social pressure, online life, and self-esteem can empower teens to set boundaries, embrace authenticity, and develop resilience in the face of modern challenges.

08/04/2025

The Challenges of New Motherhood and Parenthood: Finding Your Way Through the Transition

By Leily Shafaee Millward

Becoming a parent is often described as one of life’s most joyful and rewarding experiences—but it’s also one of the most challenging. The transition into parenthood can feel overwhelming, isolating, and emotionally intense. Whether you're a first-time parent or growing your family, the early days of caring for a new baby often come with a host of physical, emotional, and relational challenges that can catch many off guard.

Common Challenges in the Postpartum Period
1. Relationship Strain
A new baby shifts the dynamic of any relationship. Sleep deprivation, differing parenting styles, and the sudden shift in roles and responsibilities can cause tension. Many couples report feeling disconnected or misunderstood during this period, especially when communication becomes strained or intimacy takes a backseat.

2. Identity Shifts
Becoming a parent can bring about an identity transformation that feels both profound and disorienting. Many new parents struggle with the loss of their pre-parent selves—professional identities, hobbies, and social lives can all take a backseat. This shift can spark questions like, “Who am I now?” and “Will I ever feel like myself again?”

3. Societal Expectations
Cultural messages about parenthood—especially motherhood—can create unrealistic standards. From social media portrayals of picture-perfect parenting to well-meaning (but often unsolicited) advice from others, new parents may feel intense pressure to be endlessly nurturing, grateful, and capable, all while appearing effortlessly put together. When reality doesn’t match this ideal, feelings of guilt or inadequacy can quickly set in.

4. Lack of Self-Care
Basic needs often fall by the wayside in the newborn stage. Many new parents go hours without eating, forget to drink water, or can’t remember the last time they showered. Sleep deprivation becomes the norm, and the idea of “me time” can feel laughable. This physical and emotional depletion can make even small tasks feel monumental.

Coping Strategies for New Parents
While these challenges are real, they are also normal. Struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re human. Here are a few ways to care for yourself during this tender and demanding season:

• Lower the Bar – Let go of perfection and aim for “good enough.” Your baby doesn’t need a perfect parent—they need a present one.
• Ask for Help – Whether it’s your partner, a family member, a friend, or a postpartum doula, allow others to support you. You don’t have to do this alone.
  
• Prioritize Sleep When You Can – Sleep deprivation can amplify anxiety and sadness. If possible, nap when you can or take turns with a partner during nighttime wakeups.
  
• Simplify Meals and Hydration – Keep snacks and a water bottle nearby. Even small efforts to nourish yourself count.
  
• Talk About It – Share how you’re feeling with someone you trust. Whether it’s a partner, friend, or therapist, speaking the truth of your experience can be incredibly validating.
  
• Reconnect with Yourself – When time allows, do something small that feels like you—listen to music you love, step outside for five minutes, or jot down your thoughts in a journal.
  

You’re Not Alone
It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one struggling, especially when everyone else seems to be managing with ease. But behind closed doors, many new parents are navigating similar challenges. Parenthood isn’t about perfection—it’s about showing up, learning as you go, and offering yourself grace on the hard days.

If you’re finding the transition especially difficult, know that there is support available. You deserve care, compassion, and connection just as much as your baby does. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness—it’s a courageous and loving act for both you and your child.

02/04/2025

The Emotional Element of Pregnancy Loss: Navigating Grief and Healing

By Leily Shafaee Millward

Pregnancy loss—whether through miscarriage or stillbirth—is an experience that carries profound emotional weight. The grief that follows can be complex, unpredictable, and deeply personal. For many, the loss represents not just the physical absence of a baby, but also the loss of dreams, hopes, and the envisioned future. Acknowledging and processing these emotions is an essential part of healing.

The Unpredictable Waves of Grief
Grief after pregnancy loss does not follow a linear path. The emotional response can vary widely from person to person and even from moment to moment. Some common emotions individuals may experience include:

• Sadness and Heartache – The deep sorrow that comes with the loss of a pregnancy can be overwhelming, often accompanied by a sense of emptiness.
• Guilt and Self-Blame – Many individuals find themselves wondering if they did something wrong, despite knowing logically that most pregnancy losses are beyond their control.
• Anger and Frustration – It is natural to feel anger—toward one’s body, medical circumstances, or even the unfairness of the situation.
• Loneliness and Isolation – Because pregnancy loss is not always openly discussed, many people feel as though they must grieve alone or that others do not fully understand their pain.
• Anxiety and Fear – Those who have experienced pregnancy loss may carry deep anxieties about future pregnancies or their ability to become a parent.Triggers and Unexpected Emotions – Seeing pregnancy announcements or babies can bring strong waves of grief, and these emotions are completely normal. Feeling sadness or even jealousy in these moments should not come with guilt.
• Anniversaries and Milestones – Even years later, the expected due date or the date of loss can be emotionally taxing. Being gentle with yourself and allowing space to grieve as these dates approach is an important part of the healing process.
  

The unpredictability of grief means that healing is not about “getting over” the loss, but rather learning how to carry it in a way that allows for both remembrance and forward movement.

Finding Healing After Pregnancy Loss
Healing from pregnancy loss is a deeply personal journey, but several approaches can help in navigating this grief with compassion and support.

1. Practicing Self-Compassion
It is important for individuals to be gentle with themselves and allow space for their emotions without judgment. Grieving is not a sign of weakness; it is a natural response to love and loss. Taking time for self-care, whether through rest, journaling, or engaging in activities that bring comfort, can be an essential part of the healing process.

2. Seeking Support Systems
Grief can feel isolating, but connecting with others who have experienced similar losses can be incredibly validating. Support groups, therapy, and speaking with loved ones who provide a safe space to share emotions can help lessen the burden of grief. Partners, too, may process the loss differently, so open communication can foster mutual understanding and support.

Many feel like they need to grieve alone because people are uncomfortable with sadness, but this can lead to the painful feeling that the baby is forgotten. If speaking about the loss or keeping the baby’s memory alive feels important, do what you need to do—whether that’s naming the child, talking about them, or marking their existence in a way that feels meaningful to you.

3. Honouring the Loss in a Meaningful Way
For many, creating a personal ritual or tribute can provide a sense of closure and connection. Some ways to honour a pregnancy loss include:

• Planting a tree or flower as a living memorial.
• Writing a letter to the baby or keeping a journal to process emotions.
• Creating or wearing a piece of jewellery that symbolizes remembrance.
• Observing a special day each year to reflect and honour the experience.For stillbirths, if possible, taking pictures with the baby or having a funeral/service can be a healing way to acknowledge their presence and say goodbye.
  

Moving Forward with Grace
Pregnancy loss is a deeply painful experience, and healing does not mean forgetting—it means integrating the experience into one’s life in a way that allows for both grief and hope. While the pain may never fully disappear, with time, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to find peace and meaning beyond the loss.

No one should have to grieve alone. By normalizing conversations about pregnancy loss and offering compassionate support, we can help those who are navigating this difficult journey feel seen, validated, and understood.

31/03/2025

The Lasting Impact of Early Relationships on Self-Esteem

By Vanessa Cardinal

Our earliest experiences with caregivers, family members, and peers play a crucial role in shaping self-esteem. From infancy through adolescence, the messages we receive—both directly and indirectly—contribute to the way we view ourselves. For many clients, negative early experiences can manifest as deep-seated feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness in adulthood. However, therapy provides an opportunity to understand, challenge, and transform these long-standing self-perceptions.

How Childhood Experiences Shape Self-Esteem
Children develop their self-concept based on how they are treated by those closest to them. Several key factors influence this process:

1. Parental Validation and Criticism – When children receive consistent validation, support, and encouragement, they develop a positive sense of self. In contrast, frequent criticism, neglect, or unrealistic expectations can lead to self-doubt and internalized feelings of failure. A child who is regularly told they are "not good enough" may carry this belief into adulthood, affecting their confidence in relationships, careers, and personal aspirations.
2. Attachment and Security – Secure attachment to caregivers fosters a sense of trust and self-worth, while inconsistent or neglectful caregiving can contribute to feelings of insecurity and self-criticism. Children who grow up in unpredictable or emotionally distant environments often struggle with self-esteem, questioning their value and worthiness of love.
3. Social Interactions and Peer Relationships – Early friendships and social experiences influence self-perception. Bullying, exclusion, or conditional acceptance can shape negative self-beliefs, whereas positive peer interactions reinforce confidence and a sense of belonging. Adolescents who experience social rejection may develop a fear of judgment, making them hesitant to assert themselves in adulthood.
4. Cultural and Societal Influences – Messages from media, community, and societal expectations can reinforce or challenge self-esteem. Children raised in environments that emphasize achievement over personal worth may struggle with feelings of never being "enough."
   

Addressing Early Wounds in Therapy
Understanding how childhood dynamics shaped a client’s self-esteem can provide key insights into their current struggles. Therapy offers a space to explore these past experiences and develop healthier internal narratives.

• Identifying Core Beliefs – Helping clients recognize deeply ingrained self-perceptions can be a crucial first step in shifting negative thought patterns. Many clients may not even realize how much their self-talk is influenced by outdated childhood messages.
• Reframing Past Experiences – Encouraging clients to view past experiences through a new lens—such as recognizing that childhood criticism reflected their caregivers’ limitations rather than their own inadequacies—can be transformative. A therapist can guide clients in understanding that they were not inherently flawed but were shaped by their circumstances.
• Developing Self-Compassion – Teaching clients to replace self-judgment with self-kindness helps them build a healthier, more resilient self-esteem. Self-compassion allows individuals to extend the same understanding and care to themselves that they would to a friend.
• Building New Narratives – Encouraging clients to redefine their self-worth based on their present strengths and achievements fosters growth and healing. Recognizing their resilience, accomplishments, and personal growth can help them shift away from negative self-perceptions.
• Practical Strategies for Rebuilding Self-Esteem – Clients can benefit from tangible exercises such as journaling, mindfulness, and affirmations. Practicing gratitude, challenging negative self-talk, and setting realistic goals can empower clients to see themselves in a more positive light.
  

The Power of Rebuilding Self-Esteem
While the effects of early experiences can be profound, they do not have to be permanent. Through self-exploration, therapeutic interventions, and intentional self-compassion, clients can begin to rewrite their internal narratives and cultivate a stronger, healthier sense of self. By addressing the wounds of the past, therapy can empower individuals to build a future rooted in self-acceptance and confidence.

The journey toward self-esteem repair is not always easy, but it is deeply rewarding. Recognizing how early relationships shaped self-perception is the first step in making lasting, positive changes. With the right support and tools, individuals can move beyond the limitations of the past and step into a future where they see themselves with kindness, confidence, and authenticity.

24/03/2025

Building a Strong Therapeutic Alliance: The Foundation of Trust in Therapy

By Vanessa Cardinal

The therapeutic alliance—the collaborative and trusting relationship between therapist and client—is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes in therapy. When a client feels heard, understood, and supported, they are more likely to engage in the process and work toward meaningful change. Strengthening this alliance requires intentional effort, particularly when working with populations who may be hesitant to open up, such as teenagers.

Core Elements of a Strong Therapeutic Alliance
Several key elements contribute to building and maintaining a strong therapeutic alliance:

1. Empathy – Demonstrating a deep understanding of the client’s emotions and experiences fosters a sense of safety and validation. When clients feel genuinely seen and heard, they are more willing to explore their thoughts and feelings.
2. Active Listening – Engaged listening involves more than just hearing words; it includes reflecting back what the client says, noticing nonverbal cues, and responding in a way that shows comprehension and care.
3. Unconditional Positive Regard – A therapist’s acceptance and nonjudgmental stance create a supportive environment where clients feel free to express themselves without fear of criticism or rejection.

Strengthening the Alliance with Teens

Adolescents, in particular, can be reluctant to open up in therapy. Their natural skepticism, fear of judgment, or uncertainty about the therapeutic process can pose challenges. However, therapists can employ specific techniques to build trust and rapport with young clients:

• Using Humor – A well-placed joke or lighthearted comment can ease tension and make therapy feel more approachable.
• Being Nonjudgmental – Teens are often highly attuned to perceived criticism. Creating a space where they feel accepted, no matter what they share, encourages openness.
• Respecting Their Autonomy – Giving teens a sense of control over their therapeutic journey—such as allowing them to set goals or choose discussion topics—can foster engagement and cooperation.

The Rewarding Process of Building Trust
While developing a strong therapeutic alliance takes time and patience, the rewards are immense. Clients who feel connected to their therapist are more likely to engage fully in therapy, leading to better outcomes and personal growth. For therapists, witnessing this transformation can be one of the most fulfilling aspects of their work.

By prioritizing empathy, active listening, and unconditional positive regard, therapists can cultivate trust with their clients, ultimately creating a foundation for meaningful change. When working with teens, incorporating humour, maintaining a nonjudgmental stance, and respecting their autonomy can go a long way in strengthening the alliance and fostering engagement.

12/03/2025

Is Everyone a Narcissist? Let’s Set the Record Straight

I’m genuinely excited that mental health is being talked about more and more—on social media, in schools, and in workplaces. These conversations are opening doors that were closed for way too long. But, like with many things that become popular, sometimes the real meaning behind these concepts gets watered down, misunderstood, and misrepresented.

As a psychologist, I feel a responsibility to set the record straight—especially when it comes to something like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which gets thrown around a lot these days.

What Narcissistic Personality Disorder Actually Is (and Isn’t)
Let me start with this:
 Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects about 1% of the population—in Canada and elsewhere. One percent.

But if you scroll social media or listen to the way people talk, you’d think narcissism was as common as the common cold.

• A narcissistic ex.
• A narcissistic boss.
• A narcissistic parent.
• A narcissistic child.
• A narcissistic neighbor.
• It’s everywhere—except it’s not.

Why the Confusion?
Part of the problem is that terms like "entitlement" and "lack of empathy" have become everyday language. We talk about them in the context of relationships, privilege, and social dynamics—and that's great! But when we casually throw these terms around, we risk diluting what they mean in a clinical context.

Having some entitled moments or being selfish sometimes doesn’t make someone a narcissist. A personality disorder means these traits show up in all parts of someone's life—work, home, friendships, community, family—and at an extreme level.

To be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a person needs to meet at least 5 of 9 very specific and extreme criteria, consistently and pervasively.

The Real Markers of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Here’s what makes NPD different from just being a jerk or selfish:

1. Extreme Entitlement

• Not just taking up space on a bus—but thinking the bus is beneath them.
• A narcissist believes, deeply, that they deserve special treatment because they are better than others.
  

2. Lack of Empathy—Completely

• Not just selectively empathetic ("I care about my mom, but not you").
• No ability to see things from another’s perspective or to genuinely care.

3. Grandiosity vs. Confidence

• Not “I’m good at this.”
• It’s “I’m better at everything than most people—and everyone should know it.”
  

4. Preoccupation with Unlimited Success

• Believing that they are due for unlimited success without any of the effort that might go along with it, whether it be in business or in love.

5. Preoccupation with Envy

• Either believing everyone envies them, or being envious of those who have what they think they deserve.

6. Arrogance and Disdain

• Not just looking down on someone—truly believing others are worthless or "trash."
  

7. Exploitativeness

• Not just taking advantage of a good opportunity.
• Strategically manipulating others like chess pieces to get what they want.
  

8. Excessive Need for Admiration

• Not just liking compliments.
• Needing people to worship them—constant, over-the-top admiration.
  

9. Associating Only with "Special" People

• Regular folks won’t do.
• They seek out "the best"—whether it’s a doctor, a friend, or a partner—because only they are good enough for them.
• And if these people disappoint them? They’re quickly discarded and torn down.

Why This Matters
I get why people are drawn to using the label "narcissist"—especially when they’ve had a terrible experience with someone. Naming that hurt can feel validating. But here’s what I want you to know:

You don’t need to diagnose someone as a narcissist for your experience to be valid.

If you had an awful boss, or a partner who treated you terribly, or a friend who betrayed you—

• You are allowed to walk away.
  
• You are allowed to say, "This wasn’t good for me."
•  You don’t need proof that they were disordered to justify your choice.

Sometimes we want to cling to the label because it feels like it explains everything—like "Oh, this person is a narcissist, so it makes sense." But the truth is, many people who are selfish, thoughtless, or harmful aren’t actually narcissists—and that’s okay to recognize.

A Final Thought
Here’s something to keep in mind: True narcissists struggle in all their relationships. They leave a trail of destruction behind them. Their relationships are transactional—about what others can do for them. They don’t keep close friends or healthy partnerships.

So if you had a bad experience with someone, but you see them maintaining other relationships just fine—they probably aren’t a narcissist.
They may still have treated you poorly—and that’s enough reason to step away.

You Don’t Need a Diagnosis to Set Boundaries
YOU ARE ALLOWED to leave situations and relationships that hurt you—no diagnosis required.

You matter. Your well-being matters.
And sometimes, that’s all the clarity you need.

06/03/2025

A Lesson in Leadership: Dennis King and the Power of Vulnerability

I grew up on the east coast of Canada, on Prince Edward Island, and no matter where I’ve lived—across Canada and the U.S.—my island roots have always been important to me. Last week, I had an unexpected and deeply moving moment of Island Pride while listening to former Premier Dennis King’s resignation speech.

Now, for those who know me personally, my admiration for a conservative politician might come as a surprise. But I have nothing but high praise for Dennis King.

A Different Kind of Political Goodbye
After six years in office, facing enormous challenges—including two major hurricanes, issues in the potato industry, and of course, the COVID-19 pandemic—Dennis King could have walked away with the usual political farewell: something polished and distant. He could have said nothing at all, or simply used the standard “spending more time with family” line.

Instead, he did something much braver.

He stood in front of the public and acknowledged what so many leaders are afraid to admit: this job took a toll on me.

He spoke openly about the mental health struggles he faced while in office. He shared that there were days he found it hard to get out of bed. And then, he stepped away from politics, not in shame or defeat, but in honesty.

He didn’t have to say it. But I am so glad he did.

Why This Matters
A middle-aged white man in a significant position of power openly admitting to mental health struggles? This is huge. And it’s something that desperately needs to be seen, heard, and amplified.

Because whether we acknowledge it or not, we still live in a world where boys and men are taught—implicitly and explicitly—to suffer in silence. To “man up.” To push through. And when they don’t, when the weight becomes too much to bear alone, the consequences can be devastating.

Dennis King’s openness is a step toward dismantling that stigma.

So if any of my Island friends happen to know him—please pass this along. Let him know that what he has done matters. His honesty is making a difference, even all the way over here in Ottawa.

Breaking the Cycle of Silence
King’s resignation speech is important for so many reasons.

1.  Destigmatizing Mental Health for Boys & Men
   By speaking openly about his struggles, he is challenging the outdated idea that men should suffer in silence. This isn’t just about one politician—it’s about shifting cultural norms.
2.  Expanding the Definition of Masculinity
   Masculinity is too often equated with toughness, stoicism, and emotional suppression. But true strength includes vulnerability. True strength means knowing when to ask for help.
3.  Modeling Healthy Coping & Help-Seeking
   The data has been clear for years: men don’t experience fewer mental health struggles than women—they just seek help far less often. And the result? A crisis of untreated depression, anxiety, and sometimes, devastating outcomes. By taking care of himself publicly, King is showing boys and men that it is not only okay to ask for help—it’s necessary. Looking after your mental health is not a weakness; it’s a form of resilience.
4.  Emotional Intelligence & Well-Being
   Mental health awareness isn’t just about personal survival—it’s about improving relationships. When men are allowed to express emotions, when they learn to recognize and regulate their struggles, they show up better for their families, their partners, their communities.

A Call to Action: Speak Up, Reach Out
Dennis King had the platform and the courage to say what many men feel but don’t say. And my hope is that more will follow his lead.

If you are struggling, speak up.
If you know someone who is struggling, reach out.

It doesn’t have to be a public resignation speech. It can be a conversation with a friend, a partner, a therapist. It doesn’t matter who—what matters is that you don’t carry it alone.

Because let’s be clear: being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak.
It doesn’t make you soft.
And as King has shown us, it certainly doesn’t make you a “wussbag.”

It makes you human. And that’s something we can all take pride in.
 

05/03/2025

Don’t Dream It’s Over: Finding Hope in Difficult Times
"Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over…"

As I record this in February 2025, the world feels heavy. Hatred, tyranny, deception—it’s everywhere. Not just in one place, not just in one country. Across the globe, from the United States to Europe, from Ukraine to Palestine, we are witnessing pain, suffering, and injustice on a staggering scale. It’s disheartening. It’s overwhelming. And for many, it’s deeply exhausting.

It’s easy to get lost in it—to feel like there’s no way forward, no light in the darkness. But while we should absolutely pay attention, call things out, and stay informed, we also need to recognize our limits. You are not required to absorb an infinite amount of suffering every single day.

Protecting Your Mental and Emotional Well-Being
We all have a threshold for how much negativity we can take in before it starts to consume us. That threshold is different for everyone, and there is no shame in recognizing yours.

 It’s okay to take a break from the news.
 It’s okay to set boundaries around social media.
 It’s okay to acknowledge that while the world is hurting, you cannot hold all of it at once.

Taking care of your mental health isn’t an act of ignorance. It’s an act of self-preservation. And if you want to be someone who helps, who contributes, who makes a difference—you need to make sure you aren’t burning yourself out in the process.

Refocusing on What Matters
Difficult times can make us feel powerless. But they also offer an opportunity—a moment to get clear on what we stand for.

What do you believe in?
What kind of community do you want to help build?
What values matter most to you?

Instead of just feeling disillusioned by what’s wrong, use this moment to define what’s right. What kind of world do you want to live in? And more importantly, what steps can you take—big or small—to move toward that?

Hope is an Active Choice
It’s tempting to shut down in times like these. To disengage. To believe that nothing will ever change. But the reality is, change doesn’t happen when we give up—it happens when we refuse to.

So yes, acknowledge what’s happening. Feel the weight of it. But also, hold on to the hope that we can do better. That people can be better. That progress is possible, even when it feels impossibly slow.

"Don't dream it's over, don't let them win."

04/03/2025

Miscommunication: The Invisible Roadblock in Relationships
I see it all the time. Whether it's couples struggling to understand each other, individuals navigating conflicts with coworkers, or friends feeling unheard—miscommunication is at the root of so many relationship challenges.

Misunderstandings don’t just create frustration; they create distance. They breed resentment, stir up insecurities, and can make even the strongest relationships feel shaky. But more often than not, these problems aren’t about a fundamental mismatch in values or a lack of care. They’re about something much simpler: not actually hearing what’s being said.

Slow Down and Really Listen
When a conflict arises, our first instinct is often to react—to analyze, to defend, to assume meaning before fully understanding what was meant.

We hear something, and our brain fills in the gaps with fear.

• Are they judging me?
•  Does this mean they’re upset?
•  Am I being criticized?

Before we know it, we’re responding to our own fears rather than to what was actually said. And when both people are doing this? That’s when things spiral.

So step one in breaking this cycle is simple: Slow down.

Before reacting, make sure you understand. Pause. Ask:

• “Wait, is this what you mean?”
•  “I want to make sure I’m getting this right—are you saying…?”

It sounds basic, but you’d be surprised how often conflict comes from responding to a message that was never actually sent.

Trust, Vulnerability, and the Communication Equation
Of course, good communication isn’t just about words. It’s about trust.

Being open in a conversation—whether it’s with a partner, a boss, or a friend—requires vulnerability. When we express an opinion, a need, or an emotion, we’re exposing a part of ourselves. That’s risky. And so, who we’re open with matters.

If you’ve ever found yourself shutting down in a conversation, ask yourself:

• Do I trust this person to hear me fairly?
•  Do I feel safe enough to express myself honestly?

On the flip side, if someone seems defensive or withdrawn when you’re trying to communicate, consider:

• Do they trust me?
• Am I creating a space where they feel safe to be vulnerable?

Because here’s the thing—without trust, misunderstandings don’t get resolved. They just sit there, turning into bigger and bigger problems.

Finding the Right Balance in Who We Trust
Now, this doesn’t mean we should trust everyone with our thoughts and emotions.

Some people are safe places to be open. Others? Not so much. If you never let your guard down, you may struggle to connect deeply with others. But if you never filter who you trust, you risk being manipulated or hurt.

So, when dealing with conflict, take a step back and ask:

•  What kind of relationship do I have with this person?
•  Is this a conflict we can actually work through?
•  Do we have enough trust between us to be vulnerable and resolve this?

If the answer is no, it might be worth tabling the issue until trust can be built. Some conflicts aren’t solvable in the moment—but forcing them can do more harm than good.

Curiosity Over Assumption
The key to better communication is curiosity.

If something feels off in a conversation, if you’re confused by someone’s response, if you catch yourself making assumptions about their intentions—pause and ask.

•  “I feel like we’re not quite understanding each other—can we clarify?”
•  “Can you tell me more about what you mean by that?”

By staying curious, we turn conflict from a battle into a shared problem-solving process. We shift from "Me vs. You" to "Us vs. The Misunderstanding."

And when that happens? That’s when relationships start to grow.

02/26/2025

The Myth of Self-Criticism as Motivation
There’s a common belief that being hard on yourself—relentlessly self-critical—is the key to motivation and success. That without this internal drill sergeant, we’d somehow lose our edge, stop striving, or never improve.

But this simply isn’t true. In fact, it’s a mindset that often does more harm than good.

The Cost of Harsh Self-Criticism
When we rely on self-criticism as a tool for motivation, we pay a heavy price. It chips away at our self-esteem. It reinforces false narratives that don’t reflect reality. It strips situations of their full context, making us see our mistakes as personal failures rather than opportunities to learn.

And yet, so many people cling to this approach.

“I have to be tough on myself—this is how I get things done.”
“This is what keeps me sharp.”
“If I wasn’t so hard on myself, I’d never succeed.”

But at what cost? Being good at your job, achieving a fitness goal, or striving toward self-improvement shouldn’t come at the expense of your sense of self-worth.

Reframing Self-Criticism
Now, let’s be clear—this isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything we do is perfect. Growth and learning absolutely require self-reflection. But there’s a difference between constructive self-awareness and relentless self-judgment.

This is where reframing comes in.

Reframing is a cognitive technique that shifts the way we interpret situations—without denying the facts. Instead of using mistakes as proof of failure, reframing allows us to see them as lessons. It’s not about making excuses; it’s about making meaning.

For example:
  Don't “I should be better than this.”
  Do “I didn’t get this right, but what can I learn from it?”

 Don't “I should be further along by now.”
  Do “Progress isn’t always linear. I can adjust and keep moving.”

Reframing helps remove the sting from setbacks. It keeps us moving forward rather than stuck in cycles of self-doubt.

The Power of Self-Compassion
Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean lowering your standards or letting yourself off the hook. It simply means treating yourself with the same understanding you’d offer a friend, a child, or anyone else who is struggling.

Because when we’re highly self-critical, we are suffering. And what good does it do to meet suffering with more anger and cruelty?

If you’re used to tearing yourself down, try this experiment:

For the next week or two, pay attention to the way you speak to yourself. Every time you notice harsh self-talk, challenge yourself to reframe it into something more compassionate.

Ask yourself:

• Would I say this to a friend?
  
• How can I be fair to myself in this moment?
  
• What lesson can I take from this, rather than just punishment?

Because the truth is, for most things in life, we get endless chances to figure things out. We don’t have to be perfect. We just have to keep trying.

12/02/2025

Choosing Connection Over Division: A Call for Love and Kindness
The world feels heavy right now. It has been for a while. There's an overwhelming sense of division—people becoming more disconnected, caught up in a relentless us versus them mentality.

This way of thinking may seem easier. It simplifies things, shrinks the world into tidy categories that feel manageable. But it comes at a cost. It hurts others, and it hurts us too.

The Problem with Generalizations
When we frame every conversation as if you're not with me, you're against me, it blocks true understanding. We start lumping entire groups of people together, turning them into caricatures instead of seeing their complexity and humanity.

This leads to prejudice and misunderstanding. And while it may help ease our anxiety in the short term, it doesn’t reflect the messy, beautiful reality of life.

Let’s be clear—this isn’t about being neutral or never taking a stand. Far from it. Holding strong opinions and values is important. But it’s also important to remember that no group of people is a monolith.

Seeing the Whole Picture
Take the United States as an example. I lived there for seven years; my kids are American. I know so many people there who didn’t vote for Trump. And even among those who did, their stories and motivations are diverse.

When we paint entire nations—or any group of people—with the same brush, we miss out on their humanity and the nuances that shape their choices.

This doesn’t just apply to politics. It applies to every area of life.

The Power of Connection
To reduce division, we need to connect with one another—not just with people who think exactly like us, but with those who hold different perspectives.

That doesn’t mean we’ll agree with everyone. But when we take the time to listen, we might gain a better understanding of why someone believes what they do. And with understanding comes the possibility of working together instead of digging our heels in and refusing to budge.

A Hope for 2025: The Year of Love and Kindness
As we navigate these uncertain times, I’m still holding out hope for 2025 to be a year of love and kindness.

That means making an effort to connect. It means resisting the urge to generalize entire groups of people and staying open to the idea that there’s always something we can learn from each other.

No, we won’t solve all the world’s problems on our own. But through small, intentional acts of understanding and connection, we can create ripples of change.

So here’s to a year of connection, compassion, and growth. Because the world could use a little more love—and we all have a part to play in creating it.

06/02/2025

The Cold Reality of Infertility Treatment

IUI, IVF, ART, AMH, FSH, LH, hCG, blastocyst, azoospermia, anovulation, cryopreservation,
HyCoSy—these are just a few of the common terms thrown around during infertility treatments.
They are deeply scientific, heavily medical, and, for many, emotionally overwhelming. While
these treatments offer hope, they also come with a profound sense of detachment, making an
already difficult journey feel cold, impersonal, and painful.

Why Infertility Treatment Feels Impersonal

Overwhelming Medical Complexity
Embarking on IVF means absorbing an immense amount of medical information. Hormone
regimens, injection schedules, ultrasounds, and crucial decisions quickly become part of daily
life. The sheer amount of information can feel daunting, leaving patients feeling lost and
exhausted.

Dehumanization and Lack of Empathy
Many women report feeling dehumanized during treatment. Research shows a recurring theme of
healthcare professionals lacking empathy, compassion, and understanding. Physicians often
focus only on the diagnosis rather than the person behind the medical condition which sidelines
emotional and personal struggles.

Unacknowledged Emotional Struggles
Infertility triggers anxiety, sadness, guilt, anger, and hopelessness, yet medical appointments
prioritize test results and treatment plans over emotional well-being. This oversight isolates
patients further, leaving them to cope alone with the psychological impact of infertility.

An Endless Cycle of Testing and Procedures
Blood tests, ultrasounds, injections, surgical procedures—the list feels endless. The process is
often repetitive and grueling, making it easy to feel like a number in a system rather than an
individual with emotions.

Rigid Schedules
IVF and other infertility treatments are dictated by biology, leaving little room for flexibility. The
intense scheduling can make patients feel like their lives are completely controlled by the
treatment process.

A Focus on Data Over Emotions
Fertility treatment discussions often revolve around hormone levels, embryo quality, and
statistical probabilities. While these factors are critical, they overshadow the emotional and
psychological aspects of the journey.

Loss of Intimacy in Conception
The deeply personal act of creating life is transferred from an intimate setting to a laboratory.
This shift can feel impersonal, stripping away the emotional connection that many couples dream
of when building a family.

The Financial Strain
Infertility treatments are expensive, often costing thousands of dollars per cycle. This financial
burden makes the process feel like a business transaction rather than a compassionate medical
journey.

Coping with the Emotional Toll

Recognizing that you’re struggling to cope is an important step. Giving yourself permission to
feel this way and normalizing these emotions can be incredibly validating. The next step is
identifying what might help you navigate these feelings.

Allow Your Feelings
No emotion is wrong in this journey. Acknowledging and processing emotions instead of
suppressing them can make them less overwhelming.

Find Support
Finding the right people to confide in is crucial. Whether it’s a partner, friends, family, or online
support groups, connecting with others who understand your struggle can reduce isolation and
provide comfort.

Ask Questions and Advocate for Yourself
Medical jargon can be confusing. Don’t hesitate to ask for clearer explanations and advocate for
your emotional needs as well as medical concerns.

Collaborate with Your Medical Team
Doctors provide expertise, but you bring personal insights into your experience and needs.
Engaging in open discussions can lead to a more compassionate and personalized approach to
care.

Redefine Coping
Coping looks different for everyone. Some days it means finding small joys; other days, simply
making it through is enough. Adjust expectations and be kind to yourself.

Stay Hopeful While Managing Setbacks
One of the hardest parts of IVF is maintaining hope amid losses. When you want something so
deeply, the pain of setbacks can be devastating. No matter where you are in the process, your
emotions are valid and deserve acknowledgment.

Final Thoughts
Infertility treatment can feel impersonal and medicalized, but finding ways to regain a sense of
control and seeking emotional support can make the journey more manageable. You are not
alone, and your experience matters.

05/02/2025

The Power of Long-Term Therapy: More Than Just Coping Strategies
When people first consider starting therapy, it’s often with a specific goal in mind: I need coping tools to help me deal with stress. What are the tips and tricks to feel better? That’s a natural way to think about therapy, and while those practical tools are part of the process, they only scratch the surface of what therapy offers.

If all you’re after is a list of coping strategies, you’ve got the internet right there in your pocket. Instead of doom-scrolling, you can scroll for mindfulness hacks and stress relief techniques. But therapy is about something much deeper—something you can’t get from a quick online search.

The Relationship Is the Real Work
The heart of therapy is the relationship between you and your therapist. And that relationship is a big freaking deal.

That’s why finding the right fit is so important. Therapists aren’t technicians just dropping tools into your life toolbox. Therapy isn’t transactional; it’s relational. And it’s within that relationship that much of the healing and transformation happens.

Why Long-Term Therapy Matters
The real magic of therapy often unfolds over time. Here's why long-term therapy can be so impactful:

1. Pattern Recognition
   When your therapist knows you well, they can help you connect the dots. Maybe you're aware of certain patterns in your life, but sometimes you're too overwhelmed to see how they keep repeating. A therapist who’s walked alongside you can point out those patterns and help you navigate them differently.
   
2. Fresh Perspectives
   Your therapist doesn’t carry all the life experiences and biases that you do. This outsider perspective can reveal connections and insights that you might not see on your own.
   
3. Mutual Care and Connection
   Like any long-term relationship—whether with family, friends, or partners—a long-term therapeutic relationship fosters care and trust. Yes, your therapist is being paid, but this isn’t just a job. Therapists genuinely care about what’s happening to you, with you, and for you. And you may find yourself caring about them too (even if you don’t know the personal details of their life). That mutual care can be profoundly healing.
   

Love as the Guiding Principle
There’s a beautiful quote from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself.

That, at its core, is what therapy is. It's about guiding you back to yourself.

I remember attending a conference in Ottawa where a speaker made a point that stuck with me. He said, If we were out at a restaurant, what we’d really be talking about is love. But because we’re at a professional conference, I’ll call it something else—the therapeutic relationship.

That moment changed how I viewed my work.

Even Therapists Need Therapy
After nearly 25 years as a therapist, I can say this not just as a practitioner but as someone who has benefited from long-term therapy myself. Even therapists have blind spots. We need help too.

Long-term therapy doesn’t mean going every week for the rest of your life. Some people come in every few months to touch base and return more regularly when life gets intense. That continuity makes a difference.

And it’s worth noting—mental health and physical health are connected. When we care for our mental health, we’re better positioned to care for our physical health too.

Therapy isn’t just about coping strategies; it’s about connection, growth, and care. And in the long run, it’s worth it.

04/02/2025

Coping Strategies Are Not Emotional Bug Spray
A lot of people come to therapy looking for coping strategies. They want tools to help them manage their emotions better—and that’s totally valid. But here’s something that often comes up in these conversations: sometimes what people are really hoping for is a way to eliminate their negative or unwanted feelings altogether.

If that’s you, I get it. Who wouldn’t want a way to never feel anxious, sad, or frustrated again? But here’s the thing: that’s a myth we need to bust right now.

You Can’t Marie Kondo Your Feelings
Feelings aren't clutter you can neatly sort through, thanking them for their service before tossing them out of your life. You can't just say, This anxiety doesn't spark joy, so it’s gone now.

Trying to avoid or control your feelings usually backfires. It can make them bigger, stickier, and harder to deal with. And the truth is, we need access to all of our feelings—yes, even the uncomfortable ones—because they give us important information about the world around us.

Umbrella, Not Weather Machine
Coping strategies aren’t a magic fix. They’re not a weather machine that stops the storm from rolling in. They're more like an umbrella.

If it's pouring rain, an umbrella can help you manage the downpour. You’ll still get wet, but maybe a little less so.

Feelings are kind of like internet pop-ups. You can’t prevent them entirely, but coping strategies help you avoid panicking and clicking on that Congratulations! You just won a free iPad! ad.

What Coping Strategies Really Do
The goal isn’t to neutralize or erase your emotions, because that’s just not possible. Life is going to keep life-ing, and you’re going to keep having reactions to it.

Coping strategies help you manage those reactions, giving you the tools to handle your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. But they’re not a cure-all. Mindfulness, for example, can be incredibly helpful—but it’s not a magical spray that makes your anxiety disappear forever.

Abandoning Perfectionism Around Emotions
Expecting to never have troubling feelings is like expecting perfection: it's not possible. So let's abandon the search for that impossible ideal. Coping strategies can help you better manage difficult times, but "better" is a relative term.  Sometimes Life throws us things that are so difficult to manage, we get blown out of the water. Umbrellas won't keep you dry in a monsoon. So instead of blaming yourself for not having the non-existent-monsoon-proof- umbrella, maybe we could recognize that acceptance of the existence of difficult feelings is the first step to figuring out how you're going to move through this.

03/02/2025

The Power of Words: How the Way We Talk Shapes How We Heal
By Matthew

One of the most fascinating aspects of talk psychotherapy is the opportunity to slow down and examine our inner dialogue—the thoughts, phrases, and words we use to describe ourselves and our experiences. Often, we speak on autopilot, using filler words or turns of phrase without fully realizing their impact. Therapy provides a space to pause and ask, Do I really mean what I’m saying? What does this language reveal about my experience or my perspective?

The Words We Use—and the Weight They Carry
Language is powerful, and it shapes how we understand ourselves and the world around us. One example I encounter often in therapy is the strong, varied feelings people have about diagnostic labels.

For some, receiving a diagnosis feels like a relief. It provides a sense of belonging—a reassurance that they’re not alone in their struggles. It’s a way of saying, This is real, and other people have experienced it too.

For others, however, a diagnosis can feel alienating. Labels like depression, PTSD, or anxiety may seem heavy with stigma, carrying judgments they’d rather avoid. Some clients even resist associating themselves with certain words entirely, fearing that it might make their struggles feel more “real” or permanent.

But here’s the thing: a diagnosis is just a tool. It’s a set of words meant to describe an experience, not define a person. The stigma isn’t inherent in the words—it’s a reflection of how society has treated those words. Therapy often involves unpacking the meaning of these labels, helping clients decide for themselves how they want to relate to them.

How We Talk About Our Past
The words we use to describe our experiences matter, too. I learned early in my career that certain terms—like “abuse”—are so loaded that people instinctively distance themselves from them. For instance, if I were to ask someone, “Were you abused as a child?” they might say no, even if their home environment involved frequent hitting, yelling, or fear.

Instead, I ask questions like, “Growing up, was there any kicking, hitting, slapping, or breaking things at home? Was anyone scared?” These questions allow people to describe their experiences without getting caught up in the stigma of a label. From there, we can process what happened and explore how it impacted them.

Similarly, I often hear clients hesitate to name their emotions or experiences:

• “I don’t want to say X—it’ll sound bad.”
• “If I call it that, it feels too real.”
  

Rather than avoid those words, I encourage clients to explore their reluctance. What makes a certain term feel off-limits? What judgments are attached to it? By unpacking these feelings, we can start to reconstruct the experience in a way that allows for healing.

The Voice Inside Your Head
Our internal dialogue—the way we talk to ourselves—plays a huge role in shaping how we view the world. If your inner critic is harsh and unkind, that negativity becomes the filter through which you interpret everything.

Ask yourself:

• What does my inner voice sound like?
• Is it kind or critical?
• Is it truly my voice, or have I internalized someone else’s judgments?
  

Changing your inner dialogue doesn’t mean lying to yourself or pretending everything is fine. It’s not about toxic positivity or ignoring reality. Instead, it’s about shifting your perspective to make room for self-compassion.

For example, you can’t undo the facts of what happened in your life. But you can change the way you interpret those facts. You can choose to learn from your experiences and decide how they’ll shape your future.

Moving Forward
The way we talk—to ourselves and about ourselves—has a profound impact on how we move through life. When we slow down and examine our words, we can better understand how they shape our experiences, our relationships, and our sense of self.

Language isn’t just a tool for describing reality; it’s a tool for transforming it. By changing the words we use and the stories we tell ourselves, we can create more space for growth, resilience, and compassion—both for ourselves and for others.

31/01/2025

The Sneaky Ways Anxiety Keeps You Stuck — And How to Break Free
One of the things I’ve seen time and again in my office is how anxious avoidance can quietly make problems worse. Sometimes it’s obvious when we’re avoiding something because it stresses us out. We think, I’ll deal with that later, or I can’t handle that right now.

But anxious avoidance can also be pretty sneaky. It doesn't always show up as a big flashing sign saying I’m scared. Instead, it can sound like:

• I just don’t feel like doing that.
• I’ll get to it when I’m motivated.
• Now’s not the right time.
  

At first glance, those thoughts seem innocent enough. But sometimes, deep down, they're just clever disguises for anxiety.

The Hoodie-Wearing Villain of Your Well-Being
Anxious avoidance is like that quiet guy in the back of the room, wearing a hoodie, minding his own business. Seems harmless, right? Except he’s actually orchestrating a full-on psychological heist, robbing you of your well-being.

When we fall into the I don’t feel like it trap, we’re building a comfy little cave of avoidance. And sure, it feels safe for a while. But living there keeps you stuck, anxious, and frustrated.

Action Before Motivation
Here’s a truth that surprises a lot of people: Motivation doesn’t usually come first. Action does.

If you sit around waiting for motivation to magically show up, you might be waiting a long time. Taking action—even messy, imperfect action—often creates motivation, not the other way around.

This idea comes from behavioural activation, a therapeutic approach often used to treat anxiety and depression. The principle is simple: taking small steps builds momentum. One small win leads to another, and before you know it, you’re moving forward.

Maybe the task wasn’t as hard as you thought. Or maybe you're just proud you did it anyway. Either way, you've got momentum on your side now.

Catching the Heist in Action
The next time you catch yourself thinking, I don’t feel like it, ask yourself:

• Is this about anxiety?
• Am I avoiding this because I’m scared or nervous?
  

If the answer is yes, you’ve caught the heist in progress. Now you get to decide how to respond.

Messy Action Beats Perfect Avoidance
You don’t need to tackle the whole thing at once. Maybe it’s just five minutes of effort. Maybe it’s doing the task poorly but doing it anyway. It doesn’t have to be pretty—it just has to happen.

Because here’s the thing: messy action always beats perfect avoidance.

So the next time anxiety tries to keep you in your comfy cave, remember—you’ve got the power to step out, even if it’s just a small, imperfect step.

30/01/2025

You Don’t Always Have to Be Improving: Why It’s Okay to Stay Where You Are
We live in a world that’s obsessed with self-improvement. The pressure to constantly strive for better—better habits, better goals, better everything—can feel relentless. The number of times I hear the word "better" in a single day is staggering.

This mindset, where excellence and perpetual growth are seen as moral imperatives, leaves little room for simply being. But what if you're not ready to climb the next mountain? What if you've moved your base camp halfway up and just want to rest for a while? Is that okay?

Let me do you a solid and tell you unequivocally, IT IS. Yet it often feels like it's not. If you’re not constantly evolving, society whispers that you’re lazy, complacent, or somehow flawed. This guilt and shame often come from within as much as from external pressures. And here’s the kicker: guilt and shame rarely lead to meaningful, lasting change.

The Power of Acceptance
Lasting change starts with acceptance—recognizing where you are today and getting comfortable with that. It doesn’t mean you’re giving up. It doesn’t mean you’ll never change. But it acknowledges that sometimes staying put is valid and necessary.

Not feeling ready for change doesn’t make you lazy or weak. In fact, there are plenty of legitimate reasons for not being ready. Let’s explore a few:

1. Comfort Isn’t Always the Enemy
Sometimes life is comfortable enough. Sure, things could be better, but they’re manageable. If you’re content, where’s the motivation to shake things up?

If change feels like it's driven by external expectations rather than internal desire, it’s less likely to stick. Outside pressures rarely sustain us. Real, lasting change comes from within.

And you don’t need to judge your level of comfort or discomfort—there’s no scorecard here.

2. Fear of Failure and Perfectionism
Fear of failure often keeps people stuck. Thoughts like:

• What if I mess up?
• What if it’s not good enough?
• Once I start, do I have to be perfect every day?
  

These anxieties are often rooted in perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking, which only reinforce guilt and erode self-worth.

If this resonates with you, try asking: What am I really afraid of? What would failure even look like, and is it as bad as I imagine?

3. Emotional Baggage Needs Sorting
Sometimes we can’t move forward because there’s unresolved emotional stuff lurking in the background. It might feel daunting to address those heavy, lingering issues, but until they’re acknowledged, they can hold you back.

Interestingly, when you do the hard work of processing that old baggage, the change you were contemplating often becomes much easier—or even resolves itself naturally.

4. Low Energy or Emotional Burnout
If you're physically or emotionally drained, you're not going to be ready to take on a big life project.

Sometimes just treading water is all you can manage. And that’s okay. The expectation that we should always be ready to take on more is unrealistic and unsustainable.

5. Unclear Goals
Sometimes it’s not about not wanting change, but about not knowing what you actually want. You might know what you don’t want, but the destination is fuzzy.

This lack of clarity makes it hard to summon the energy for action. Tuning into your authentic desires—not what you think you should want—can provide clarity and motivation.

Give Yourself Permission to Pause
There’s a lot of freedom in acknowledging that you’re not ready for change—and that’s perfectly okay. You’re not lazy. You’re not flawed. You’re human.

When the time is right, and when your motivations come from within, you’ll find the energy and direction you need. Until then, give yourself permission to stay put, rest, and gather strength for whatever comes next.

29/01/2025

Why Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Benefit Everyone—Including White Guys

This year, I’m committing to embracing loving kindness. But as I reflect on the world around us, I can’t ignore how polarized and divided we’ve become. Fear is running high, fueled by the scarcity model—the belief that there’s not enough to go around. This fear often manifests as resistance to connection and rejection of the diversity that increasingly defines our communities.

I’ve noticed growing pushback against diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) practices. It’s disheartening, but I want to offer a new perspective. Today, I’m speaking directly to white guys like me: DEI isn’t about blame, judgment, or taking something away from you. In fact, adopting inclusive practices and embracing diversity can benefit all of us—yes, even you.

Why Resistance Makes Sense (But Why It’s Misguided)
It’s easy to see why many people feel defensive about DEI initiatives. There’s anxiety about being judged, about being held responsible for systemic inequalities you didn’t personally create. There’s fear of “losing” opportunities, being left behind, or being criticized by what some label “the woke crowd.”

I get it. Feeling overwhelmed and defensive in the face of such conversations is a natural response. But let’s pause for a moment. DEI isn’t about shame or blame. It’s about fairness. And at its core, fairness is something we all want.

Think about it: no one—no one—wants to be judged or disadvantaged because of something they can’t change, whether it’s their skin color, gender, age, disability, or socioeconomic status. DEI is about creating a society where those unchangeable characteristics don’t dictate how much respect, opportunity, or dignity someone receives.

Why Meritocracy Isn’t the Whole Answer
Many people argue, "Why can’t we just go back to a meritocracy?" But meritocracy only works if the playing field was level to begin with—and it wasn’t. White men have historically been overrepresented in leadership and positions of power, and that legacy continues today.

DEI initiatives aren’t about taking opportunities away from you. They’re about leveling the playing field so everyone has a fair shot. And here’s the thing: when the playing field is fair, everyone wins.

How Diversity Benefits Us All
Diversity, equity, and inclusion are not just about doing the “right thing.” They offer tangible benefits—even for those who may feel like they have the most to lose. Here’s how:

1. Better Problem-Solving and Creativity
   Research shows that diverse teams produce better outcomes. When people with different perspectives collaborate, they generate more innovative and effective solutions. Homogeneous groups often miss blind spots that diverse groups can identify.

   At work, this means more creative solutions and better decision-making, which benefits the entire team. For society, it means we can tackle challenges in ways that work for everyone.
   

2. Policies That Benefit Everyone
   Policies designed to meet diverse needs often end up helping people from all walks of life. For example:

   Flexible work hours didn’t just benefit mothers or caregivers—they help everyone balance work and life better.
   Transparent hiring practices mean that the path to advancement is clearer for everyone, making it easier to navigate your own career goals.
   These changes were driven by diverse voices advocating for fairer systems, and we all reap the rewards.
   

3. Building Better Interpersonal Skills
   Engaging with diverse perspectives builds empathy, adaptability, and self-awareness. These qualities don’t just make you a better colleague or leader—they make you a better friend, partner, and person.

   Empathy reminds us that just because something hasn’t happened to us doesn’t mean it doesn’t matter. And honestly, you never know when you’ll be in someone else’s shoes, hoping for that same understanding.

4. Recognizing Inequality Helps Everyone

   DEI isn’t just about race or gender—it also includes socioeconomic diversity. Not all white men are wealthy or privileged, and many feel left behind by economic inequality. Addressing inequities benefits everyone, including those struggling to make ends meet.

A Bigger Pie, Not a Smaller Slice
One of the biggest misconceptions about DEI is that it’s a zero-sum game—that making things better for others automatically makes things worse for you. But that’s not how it works.

When diverse voices are included, the “pie” grows. Opportunities expand, perspectives deepen, and solutions improve. It’s not about giving up your slice; it’s about making the pie bigger so there’s more for everyone.

Moving Forward
If the idea of DEI feels overwhelming, try reframing it. It’s not about blame or being perfect. It’s about fairness, empathy, and creating a society where no one is left behind.

You don’t have to lose for others to gain. In fact, by embracing diversity, equity, and inclusion, you’ll find that your world—and your opportunities—expand in ways you might not have expected.

It doesn’t have to happen to you to matter to you.

28/01/2025

Why Fresh Starts Aren’t the Answer: Embracing Second (and Third) Chances

January often brings talk of resolutions, change, and the allure of a "fresh start." I get why the idea of a fresh start is so appealing. It feels like a clean slate, an opportunity to begin again without the weight of past mistakes or missteps. The concept suggests we can move forward perfectly this time, as if we’ve been granted a do-over in life.

But here’s the thing: the notion of a fresh start can actually do more harm than good.

The Problem with "Fresh Starts"
At its core, the fresh start mentality reinforces perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking. It whispers, "This time, I’ll get everything right. This time, I won’t mess up." It encourages the idea that mistakes are unacceptable, that imperfection is failure.

And while it might seem like a harmless way to motivate yourself, this mindset feeds into the perfectionistic culture that so many of us struggle with—a culture that teaches us we’re only worthy if we do everything flawlessly.

The truth is, fresh starts don’t exist.

We’re Never Blank Slates
We don’t walk into new opportunities as blank slates. We carry with us all of our experiences, relationships, lessons, and, yes, even our mistakes. And that’s a good thing. Our past—whether it’s full of triumphs, setbacks, or a mix of both—gives us wisdom and resilience.

When we look at life through the lens of "starting fresh," we’re subtly rejecting the parts of ourselves that are imperfect. But those imperfections are part of who we are. They’re where we’ve learned and grown.

Instead of seeking a fresh start, I encourage you to think in terms of new opportunities or more chances.

Second Chances > Fresh Starts
The song "Strange Currencies" by R.E.M. has a line that says, "I need a chance, a second chance, a third chance, a fourth chance." That’s the mindset we should aim for. Life isn’t about getting it perfect on the first try—or even the second. It’s about giving ourselves the grace to try again and again.

The moments where we’ve stumbled, where we’ve fallen short, are only problems if we fail to learn from them. I have my fair share of fiery crashes in my past—spectacular ones, at that. But those experiences, messy as they were, shaped who I am today.

Would I have preferred to learn some lessons differently? Of course. Are there lessons I wish I didn’t have to learn at all? Definitely. But the point is that those moments weren’t failures. They were opportunities to grow.

Why Fresh Starts Fall Short
When we cling to the idea of starting fresh, we’re implicitly telling ourselves there’s something wrong with us that needs fixing. But what if, instead, we embraced where we are right now, imperfections and all?

The language we use matters. "Fresh start" implies wiping the slate clean. But "new opportunity" or "more chances"? That leaves room for self-compassion. It reminds us that we’re allowed to stumble, to fail, and to keep going anyway.

So instead of aiming for perfection, focus on progress. Learn from your past. Take what you’ve experienced and use it to inform your next steps.

Moving Forward
Here’s the truth: you don’t need to be perfect to move forward. You don’t need a fresh start. What you need is the courage to try again, to learn, and to give yourself grace along the way.

This January—and every other month of the year—remember that your past isn’t baggage; it’s your foundation. Build on it. Embrace it. Let it guide you.

27/01/2025

Why Therapists Talk About Your Childhood
It’s not uncommon for people to start therapy with one clear request: “I don’t want to talk about my childhood.” Maybe it feels irrelevant, or maybe it feels too difficult to revisit. As a therapist, I hear this often, and I completely get it—talking about the past can feel overwhelming or even unnecessary.

But here’s the thing: exploring your childhood isn’t about blaming your parents or dredging up every painful memory. It’s about understanding how the patterns and experiences of your past influence your present. Let’s dive into why therapists often ask about your childhood and how it plays a role in creating meaningful change.

1. Understanding the Roots of the Problem
Think of your life as a story, and your childhood as the origin chapter. When you come to therapy with a current issue—whether it’s anxiety, relationship challenges, or self-doubt—your therapist needs to understand how that problem developed over time.

Sometimes, behaviors or beliefs we carry today were shaped by early experiences we barely remember. For example:

What felt normal in your childhood home might turn out to be uncommon or even harmful.
Patterns that started in your early years, like avoiding conflict or seeking constant approval, might still show up in your adult relationships or workplace.
Exploring these origins helps us see how certain ways of thinking or behaving got “installed” in the first place. And once we understand that, we can start to “uninstall” what no longer serves you.

2. Recognizing Repeated Patterns
Life tends to follow patterns, and many of those patterns start early. By looking at your childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, we can identify recurring themes—like difficulty trusting others, perfectionism, or feeling unworthy of love.

Why does this matter? Because recognizing these patterns gives you the power to interrupt them. If we don’t look back, those patterns are likely to keep showing up, even after the current problem feels resolved.

3. It’s Not About Blame
One of the biggest fears people have about revisiting their childhood is the worry that therapy will become an exercise in blaming their parents or rewriting their happy memories. That’s not the point.

Therapy isn’t about vilifying anyone. It’s about understanding how your experiences—good, bad, or neutral—shaped the way you see the world today. Even if you had a happy childhood, there might still be moments or dynamics worth exploring.

For example:

Did you feel like you had to earn love or approval?
Were emotions like sadness or anger dismissed or punished?
Were certain needs consistently unmet?
Unpacking these dynamics isn’t about rewriting history—it’s about making sense of it so you can move forward with greater clarity.

4. Healing the Roots, Not Just the Symptoms
If you think of a problem in your life like a weed in your yard, it’s tempting to just cut off the visible part. But if you don’t address the roots, the weed will keep growing back.

Therapy works the same way. If we only focus on surface-level symptoms—like managing stress without understanding why you’re so stressed in the first place—we might miss the deeper causes. By going deeper into your story, we can address the roots of the issue, not just its symptoms.

5. The Journey, Not the Destination
Exploring your childhood isn’t about finding a single “aha” moment that explains everything. It’s rarely one specific incident that causes a current problem. More often, it’s a collection of experiences, interactions, and beliefs that built up over time.

In therapy, retelling your story often brings new insights. Sometimes, as you reflect on your experiences, you notice details you hadn’t thought of before. Other times, your therapist may ask questions that shift the way you view your story entirely.

This process isn’t about dwelling on the past—it’s about using the past as a tool for understanding the present and creating change for the future.

Final Thoughts
Talking about your childhood can feel uncomfortable or unnecessary at first, but it’s a powerful way to gain deeper insight into who you are and how you’ve arrived at this point. It’s not about blame or reliving pain—it’s about understanding, healing, and growing.

When you’re ready to explore your story, remember this: the goal isn’t to stay stuck in the past but to use it as a foundation for building a healthier, more fulfilling present.

10/01/25

Blog Post: How Anxiety Impacts Relationships and Trust

Anxiety can affect many aspects of our lives, but one of its most profound impacts is on our relationships and ability to trust others. It often acts like an overprotective friend, convincing us it’s shielding us from harm when, in reality, it’s erecting walls that keep us disconnected from the people we care about most.

Let’s explore how anxiety influences trust, the challenges it creates, and why vulnerability is a risk worth taking in building deeper connections.

The Voice of Anxiety: Guarding or Disconnecting?
Anxiety can feel like an internal protector, warning us to stay silent or hide our true selves:

• “What if they secretly hate me?”
• “What if they’ll never understand?”
• “What if they judge me?”
  

This voice urges us to keep everything inside, to put on a brave face, and to act like everything is fine. But instead of protecting us, anxiety is actually isolating us.

When we listen to this voice, we bottle up our thoughts and emotions, disconnecting even from those we love most. Over time, this guardedness doesn’t foster safety—it builds resentment and loneliness.

Vulnerability: The Key to Connection
True connection doesn’t come from presenting a perfect facade. Imagine trying to bond with someone whose life seems flawless:

• “My day was flawless. Everything is amazing. I’ve never cried in the shower.”

Doesn’t sound relatable, right?

We connect with others through shared humanity, through our messy, imperfect moments. Vulnerability isn’t weakness—it’s a powerful way to foster trust and intimacy.

Being vulnerable doesn’t mean oversharing or making every interaction dramatic. It starts with small acts of honesty:

• Sharing a genuine feeling rather than what you think you should feel.
• Talking about a challenging moment instead of pretending everything is fine.
  

Taking the Risk of Trust
Anxiety often frames vulnerability as a dangerous risk, and it’s not wrong—being open does carry risk. But so does staying closed off.

• The Risk of Vulnerability: It opens the door to connection, understanding, and closeness.
• The Risk of Guarding: It keeps others at a distance and fosters resentment and loneliness.
  

When you weigh these risks, it’s clear that opening up—especially with those closest to us—is worth it.

If you can trust someone with your Netflix password or share a fridge, chances are you can also trust them with a little honesty about your thoughts and feelings.

Building Trust, One Step at a Time
You don’t need to have everything figured out to open up. Vulnerability is a gradual process, and it’s okay to start small. Here are a few ideas:

1. Acknowledge the Risk: Remind yourself that vulnerability and guarding both carry risks—but only one leads to connection.
2. Start Small: Share a little more than usual, like how you’re genuinely feeling or a challenge you’re facing.
3. Trust the Process: Connection grows over time, and the more you open up, the more likely it is to deepen.
   

Moving Forward
Anxiety’s protective voice might tell you to keep quiet and stay guarded, but that voice isn’t looking out for your relationships. Real trust and connection come from stepping into vulnerability, even when it feels risky.

So, consider taking that step today. Share a small piece of your truth with someone close to you. Build that bridge of connection, one honest moment at a time.

09/01/25

Blog Post: Understanding and Overcoming Procrastination

Procrastination: it’s a common challenge that frustrates many of us. It’s not just about avoiding tasks; it’s about the emotional weight we attach to that avoidance. Too often, we see procrastination as a personal flaw or an unchangeable character trait.

But here’s the truth: procrastination isn’t a flaw—it’s a signal. It tells us there’s something going on beneath the surface, and understanding why we procrastinate is key to overcoming it.

Let’s explore what drives procrastination and how we can gently work through it.

Why Do We Procrastinate?
Procrastination is highly context-dependent. While the reasons can vary, most fall into a few main categories:

1. Emotional Avoidance:

• Fear of failure, feeling overwhelmed, low energy, or perfectionistic thinking can stop us from starting.
• Thoughts like “I have to do this perfectly” or “It’s too much, I don’t even know where to begin” paralyze us.

2. The Guilt Cycle:

• Putting off a task makes us feel guilty, and that guilt makes the task feel even bigger, leading to more avoidance.
  

3. Lack of Motivation or Rewards:

• Some tasks are simply boring or unrewarding, making them easy to put off.
  

4. Poor Time Management:

• Without clear deadlines or structured time, tasks can feel amorphous and harder to tackle.
  

5. Executive Function Challenges:

• Difficulties with attention, organization, and prioritization—often related to conditions like ADHD—can make procrastination even more pronounced.
  

Strategies to Overcome Procrastination
The good news? Procrastination is manageable. Here’s how to start:

1. Practice Self-Compassion
Start with kindness. Instead of berating yourself with an inner drill sergeant voice, acknowledge that you’re struggling and it’s okay.

Replace harsh self-talk with statements like:

• “This is hard, but I’m trying, and that’s what matters.”
• “The process is more important than the outcome right now."

2. Challenge Perfectionism and All-or-Nothing Thinking
Procrastination often thrives on unhelpful thought patterns. Challenge these with curiosity:

• “Does it really have to be perfect?”
• “What’s the smallest, imperfect step I could take right now?”
  

3. Break Tasks Into Manageable Steps

Big tasks can feel overwhelming. Break them down:

• Write out each step, or use cue cards to focus on just a few at a time.
• Start small. Even writing “make a list” on your list counts!
  

4. Use Temptation Bundling

Pair something unpleasant with something you enjoy:

• Listen to a favorite podcast while tackling a tedious chore.
• Call a friend while organizing a closet.
  

5. Gamify Your Tasks

Make tasks fun or rewarding:

• Set a timer and challenge yourself to beat the clock.
• Reward yourself after completing a task (“Once I finish this, I’ll watch an episode of my favorite show”).
  

6. Try the 5-Minute Rule
Commit to working on a task for just five minutes. At the end, reassess how you feel. Often, starting is the hardest part.

7. Manage Your Time Proactively

• Schedule time blocks for specific tasks, even if they’re self-imposed.
• Decide whether to tackle the hardest or easiest tasks first—do what works for you.
  

8. Seek Help for Executive Function Challenges
If procrastination is tied to difficulties with attention or organization, consider reaching out to a doctor or therapist. Conditions like ADHD may benefit from tailored strategies or medication.

You can’t “think” your way through a hardware issue, and getting the right support can save your self-esteem.

Moving Forward
Procrastination doesn’t define you. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a signal that something needs attention, whether it’s your emotions, environment, or approach.

So, if you’re struggling with procrastination, take a deep breath. Start small, be kind to yourself, and focus on progress, not perfection.

08/01/2025

Blog Post: Coping with “One of Those Days” – A Psychologist’s Honest Guide

We’ve all been there: those days where, before the clock strikes 9 a.m., everything seems to go wrong. Nothing catastrophic, no life-altering disasters—just a string of little irritations that build and stick under your skin.

Today, I’m having one of those days. And as a psychologist, I could rattle off a list of effective coping strategies—but if I’m being honest, in moments like these, even I roll my eyes at the idea of diving straight into “healthy” techniques.

So, instead of presenting a perfect, polished guide to coping, I want to share a more realistic approach for when you’re just... cranky.

Step 1: Have Your Feelings
First things first, let yourself feel irritated. Give yourself permission to be cranky, frustrated, or annoyed without adding guilt to the mix. It’s okay to wish you weren’t feeling this way while still acknowledging that you are.

Step 2: Take a Pause
Once you’ve vented (maybe even muttered a few choice words under your breath), try a short pause. This doesn’t mean forcing yourself to “snap out of it,” but rather giving yourself a moment to reset.

For me, this looks like:

• Relaxation breathing: In through my nose, out through my mouth, slowing my heart rate.
• A calming image: I picture the warmth of the sun on my shoulders, which helps take me down a notch.
• Grounding in the present moment: I remind myself, It’s January 7, 2025. A rough morning isn’t the rest of my life.
  

Step 3: Reflect on What’s in Your Control
After a pause, consider: Is there anything I can actually fix or approach differently?

Maybe there’s a practical tweak you can make to avoid a similar frustration next time. Or maybe there’s nothing you can control about the situation—and that’s okay too.

Step 4: Have Compassion for Yourself
It’s okay to not be perfectly regulated all the time. Nobody is! Being human means having bad days, even when you “know better” as a mental health professional (trust me, I’ve been doing this for 25 years).

Let yourself off the hook. A cranky mood doesn’t mean you’re failing; it just means you’re human.

Step 5: Connect and Vent
Sometimes, sharing your irritation with someone else can help lighten the load. Call a friend, partner, or coworker who’ll offer validation and a sympathetic, “Wow, that does sound like a collection of suckitude!”

Venting isn’t about wallowing—it’s about letting the feelings out so they don’t fester.

Step 6: Adjust Your Expectations
When your bandwidth is already low, it’s okay to cut out extras. Focus on what absolutely needs to get done, and let the rest wait until tomorrow.

The Honest Truth About Coping
Here’s the thing: coping skills aren’t magic. They don’t instantly fix a bad day, and they don’t always feel doable in the moment. Sometimes, you just need to vent before you can get yourself together.

On social media, it can seem like the expectation is to always be perfectly zen, flawlessly deploying coping strategies at every turn. But life doesn’t work that way. Even for psychologists.

Wrapping Up
Today, I’m giving myself permission to be cranky for a little while longer. Then, I’ll gather myself, focus on the hearts that beat around me, and do my best.

If you’re having “one of those days,” I hope you’ll do the same. Feel what you need to feel, take small steps to recalibrate, and don’t sweat being perfect.

07/01/2025

Blog Post: Let’s Make 2025 the Year of Lovingkindness

As we step into 2025, my heartfelt wish is to make this the Year of Lovingkindness. The world around us is often unpredictable, and the challenges ahead might feel heavy. But what if we approached the year with a mindset of lovingkindness—toward ourselves, those we know, and even complete strangers?

Lovingkindness isn’t about ignoring hardship or pretending life is perfect. Instead, it’s about softening our edges, offering compassion where there’s friction, and doing small things to make the world a bit brighter.

Here’s how we can embrace this practice, one thought and one action at a time.

The Attitude of Lovingkindness
At its core, lovingkindness begins with how we think. It’s about reframing situations that would normally upset or frustrate us. For example:

• Instead of holding onto anger when someone cuts you off in traffic, pause and ask yourself, What might they be dealing with? Maybe they’re rushing to something urgent, or maybe they’re just having a tough day.

This isn’t about excusing harmful behavior but about choosing not to add to the negativity by responding in kind. A gentler perspective can keep you from getting stuck in frustration or anger, making your day a little lighter.

Small Acts of Lovingkindness
Practicing lovingkindness doesn’t require grand gestures or spending lots of money. The most meaningful acts are often the simplest:

At Home:

• Give your full attention. Take a few uninterrupted minutes to truly listen to your child, partner, or friend. Even a short moment of undivided attention can make a world of difference.
• Show appreciation. A kind word or a small token of gratitude can strengthen the bonds with the people you care about.

In Your Community:

• Be present in daily interactions. Ask the cashier how their day is going and really listen to their response. Smile at a stranger. Treat service workers with respect and kindness.
• Leave things better than you found them. Whether it’s holding the door for someone, cleaning up a shared space, or offering a kind word, these small actions ripple outward.

For Strangers:

• Pay it forward. Cover someone’s coffee in the drive-thru or leave an encouraging note for a stranger.
• Share what you have. Cooking for yourself? Make an extra portion to give to a neighbor, a friend, or someone in need.

When Time is Limited
If you’re short on time, you can still practice lovingkindness in ways that fit your life:

• Send a quick text to check in on a friend.
• Offer a small gift that shows thoughtfulness—whether it’s something homemade or a favorite treat.
• Donate to causes you care about, knowing your generosity extends kindness far beyond your immediate circle.

Why Lovingkindness Matters
These little practices won’t solve all the world’s problems overnight. But they can transform the way we see and experience our daily lives. A bit more kindness can make the universe feel less overwhelming, less harsh, and a little safer.

When we take care of one another, even in small ways, the ripple effects can lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Let’s Start Today
As we begin 2025, let’s commit to practicing more lovingkindness—toward ourselves, the people we love, and those we’ve yet to meet. Together, we can make the world feel a little brighter and a lot more connected.

27/12/2024

Breaking Barriers to Genuine Connection

Connecting with others is one of the cornerstones of good mental health. Building relationships and fostering community can be incredibly fulfilling and act as a buffer against stress and loneliness. But while it might sound simple, many people struggle to connect authentically.

One of the biggest barriers? Showing a genuine interest in others.

Now, that might sound straightforward—just be interested, right? But as with many things, it’s easier said than done. Let’s explore some common obstacles that get in the way of genuine interest and how to overcome them.

What Gets in the Way of Genuine Interest?
1. Anxiety
Anxiety is a huge player in why we sometimes struggle to connect. When we’re anxious, our focus often shifts inward:

• How am I coming across?
• What should I say next?
• What if they’re judging me?

This self-focus can make it difficult to truly listen and engage with the other person. Anxiety also drains our emotional energy, limiting how much we can give in social interactions. And to stay “safe,” we might stick to superficial topics, avoiding anything that feels vulnerable or risky.

2. Biases and Prejudgments
As humans, we’re wired to categorize and simplify information. This can lead to assumptions or stereotyping when we meet someone new. Instead of staying curious, we might think, I already know their story, and stop digging deeper.

While this mental shortcut can feel efficient, it often robs us of the chance to truly understand and connect with others.

3. Distractions
Distractions are everywhere—our phones, the people around us, or even our own busy schedules. When we’re rushing to get to the next thing or mentally ticking off our to-do list, we can’t give our full attention to the person in front of us.

Efficiency may be great for productivity, but it’s the enemy of genuine connection.

4. Perceived Mismatch in Interests
Sometimes we assume we’re too different from the other person to connect meaningfully. This mindset can shut down opportunities to learn about others and discover unexpected commonalities.

How to Foster Genuine Interest in Others
The good news? These barriers aren’t permanent. With some mindfulness and intention, you can overcome them and cultivate meaningful connections.

1. Shift Your Focus
If anxiety has you caught up in self-focused thoughts, practice mindfulness. Bring your attention back to the present moment and truly listen to the other person.

• Instead of worrying about what to say next, focus on what they’re saying now.
• Let go of the need to perform or avoid judgment. Simply be present.
  

2. Cultivate Curiosity
Genuine interest starts with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions that encourage storytelling rather than simple yes/no answers. For example:

• How’s your week been?
• What’s something you’re excited about right now?
• What’s your favorite way to spend a weekend?
  

Follow up with thoughtful questions to deepen the conversation and challenge your own assumptions.

3. Limit Distractions
Make a conscious effort to reduce distractions:

• Turn off phone notifications or leave your phone out of reach.
• Slow down. If you’re rushing, recognize that it’s not the best time for meaningful connection.
  

By approaching interactions with a mindset of curiosity and patience, you create the space for real connection to happen.

4. Be Open to Differences
If you feel there’s a mismatch in interests, challenge that assumption. People are more complex than they first appear, and you might be surprised by what you learn if you stay curious and open.

The Bottom Line
Connecting with others isn’t about rushing or getting it perfect—it’s about being present, curious, and open. By slowing down, setting aside distractions, and truly engaging, you can foster deeper and more meaningful relationships.

Some things to think about for today. Ciao!

04/12/2024

Overcoming the Fear of Rejection and Building Connection

Loneliness is something that touches many lives. People often come to therapy feeling isolated, longing for connection but unsure how to create it. One of the biggest barriers to building relationships is the fear of rejection. It’s a powerful force that can hold you back, keeping you from the very connections you crave.

Let’s take a closer look at why this fear can feel so overwhelming and, most importantly, how you can overcome it.

Why We Fear Rejection
The fear of rejection doesn’t come out of nowhere—it’s often rooted in past hurts. Maybe you’ve faced rejection before and internalized the message that being vulnerable equals getting hurt. Over time, these experiences can chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you feeling like staying closed off is safer.

Sometimes, fear of rejection even hides behind perfectionism: the belief that you must be perfect to be loved. Here’s the truth: perfectionism is a trap. None of us are perfect, and trying to be will only drain your energy and keep you stuck.

This fear can show up in many ways:

Avoiding opportunities: Whether it’s a promotion at work, joining a community group, or reaching out to someone new, fear of rejection can make you retreat.
Overthinking and catastrophizing: Playing worst-case scenarios on a loop in your mind doesn’t prepare you—it talks you out of action.
Seeking constant validation: Asking, Am I good enough? over and over again can feel like seeking approval, but it doesn’t build genuine self-worth.
Ultimately, all of this can lead to emotional overwhelm, making it even harder to take the small steps needed to connect with others.

How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection
If this sounds familiar, know that fear of rejection is part of the human experience. It doesn’t define your worth, and it doesn’t mean you’re broken. Everyone gets rejected at some point—it’s part of being alive. Even the richest, smartest, or most beautiful people face rejection. The key is learning how to respond to it.

Here are some strategies to help you take back control:

1. Reframe Rejection
Rejection isn’t a personal failing; it’s often a mismatch. People have different values, interests, and priorities, and not everyone will click. That’s okay! Instead of thinking, What’s wrong with me? consider that it’s simply not the right fit.

2. Practice Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself. Focus on the effort you’re putting in rather than just the outcomes. Did you try something new? Did you learn from it? Celebrate those steps forward, no matter how small. Self-compassion fuels resilience and helps quiet the critical voice inside that says you’re not enough.

3. Challenge Overthinking and Catastrophizing
After a negative experience, reflect on whether it was as bad as you imagined. Often, the reality isn’t nearly as catastrophic as you feared. Reframing these moments can help you move forward with more confidence.

4. Stay Present
Fear of rejection often involves time-traveling in your mind—to a future where you imagine humiliation or a past where things didn’t work out. Instead, practice staying in the moment. Focus on what’s happening now, and breathe through the discomfort. Staying present gives you the best chance to regulate your emotions and approach situations with clarity.

5. Take Small Risks
Overcoming fear doesn’t mean taking massive leaps all at once. Start with small, manageable steps. Say hello to someone new. Ask a coworker how their weekend was. These tiny acts of courage can build your confidence over time, helping you take bigger risks later.

6. Consider Therapy
If the fear of rejection feels too big to tackle alone, therapy can provide a safe space to work through it. A therapist can help you build tools for managing fear, developing self-worth, and navigating relationships with greater ease.

The Bottom Line
Rejection is part of life, but it doesn’t have to define your relationships or your sense of self. With compassion, patience, and a willingness to take small steps, you can move past the fear and create the connections you deserve.

03/12/2024

Understanding Codependency: A Journey Through Relationship Dynamics

Codependency is a term that often arises in conversations about relationships, particularly in therapeutic settings. While frequently misunderstood as an individual diagnosis, it is more accurately described as a dynamic that occurs between two people in a relationship. This blog post draws insights from a series of videos exploring the complexities of codependency, its root causes, and how to foster healthier relationship dynamics.

What Is Codependency?
Codependency isn’t a diagnosis—it’s not listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Instead, it is a relational pattern that emerges when two people unconsciously establish roles that reinforce unhealthy dependence. Rooted in the world of addiction recovery, the term has evolved to describe relationships where one person’s sense of self becomes intertwined with their partner’s, creating a cycle of control and emotional imbalance.

Two Sides of the Codependent Relationship
Codependency typically involves two distinct roles within the relationship dynamic:

1. The Giver
The Giver seeks to maintain the relationship by focusing on their partner’s emotional needs while neglecting their own. Two key struggles often define this role:

• Differentiation: A lack of personal boundaries causes the Giver to lose their sense of self. They rely on their partner’s identity to define their own, creating a fragile emotional foundation.
  
• Anxious Attachment: Givers often fear abandonment and work tirelessly to ensure their partner’s happiness, mistakenly believing this will secure the relationship.

2. The Taker
The Taker often exhibits a narcissistic style of interaction. While they may seem confident and self-assured, their behavior masks a deep fear of vulnerability. Traits of this personality include:

• A focus on control to feel secure in the relationship.
• Difficulty recognizing or addressing the needs of others.
• A defensive stance that shifts blame and deflects emotional responsibility.
  

Why Codependency Happens
Codependency arises from a mutual need for control, albeit through opposing strategies. The Giver attempts to create harmony by over-giving, while the Taker seeks control by prioritizing their own needs. This imbalance can lead to tension, resentment, and a lack of genuine emotional connection.

Reframing Dependency: From Codependence to Interdependence
Despite its negative portrayal, dependency in relationships isn’t inherently bad. Healthy relationships involve mutual dependence—what therapists often refer to as interdependence. This dynamic allows partners to support each other while maintaining individual identities.

Steps to Overcome Codependency:

1. Emotional Communication: Shift from controlling behaviors to expressing needs openly and honestly. Both partners must learn to articulate their feelings and desires.
2. Therapy for Growth: Individual therapy can help each person address unresolved pain and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
3. Focus on Vulnerability: Creating space for vulnerability fosters trust and connection, allowing both partners to feel seen and valued.

The Path to Healthier Relationships
Codependency thrives on a lack of balance and communication. By addressing the underlying dynamics and learning new ways to interact, couples can move from unhealthy dependency to a model of interdependence that allows both partners to flourish.

As this series highlights, relationships are not about erasing dependency but redefining it. With openness, empathy, and a commitment to growth, it is possible to cultivate connections that are both nurturing and empowering.

21/11/2024

Vulnerability vs. Boundaries: Finding the Balance for Connection

Loneliness is a common reason many people seek therapy. That sense of disconnection from others can feel overwhelming, like you're trapped in a room with no doors or windows. For years, I’ve talked about how people are practically dying of loneliness. One way forward, for many, lies in practicing authentic vulnerability. But here's the catch: vulnerability is often confused with poor boundaries. Navigating the tightrope between the two can feel tricky. How do you open yourself up without overexposing yourself?

Vulnerability vs. Bad Boundaries
Think of vulnerability as opening a window where you live. You let in a refreshing breeze of fresh air—healthy and invigorating. Vulnerability invites connection, creating space for authentic relationships.

Bad boundaries, though? That’s like taking your front door off its hinges and inviting raccoons in for a kitchen party. Chaos ensues, and instead of connection, it leaves you feeling exposed, overwhelmed, or even violated.

Both vulnerability and poor boundaries involve a level of openness, which is why they’re easy to confuse. But the key difference lies in intentionality. Vulnerability is measured and thoughtful. It’s about carefully cracking the window open, allowing just enough fresh air to flow. Poor boundaries, on the other hand, are like diving headfirst into a pool without checking if there’s enough water to keep you safe.

The Art of Balanced Vulnerability
Practicing vulnerability doesn’t mean you share everything all at once. It’s about starting small and building trust over time. You open the window a little, see how it feels, and take it from there. Balanced vulnerability creates a sense of mutuality—when you share a part of yourself, it invites others to share, too.

Poor boundaries, by contrast, can feel overwhelming for the person on the receiving end. If you’re oversharing, it might dominate the space, leaving no room for others to engage or connect with you. Instead of fostering connection, it can leave others feeling shell-shocked or unsure how to respond.

A Litmus Test for Sharing
The next time you’re thinking about opening up, ask yourself:

Am I opening the window a little, or am I unhinging the door?
Is my sharing intentional and purposeful?
Does this feel mutual, with space for the other person to engage, or does it feel one-sided?
Vulnerability should feel brave, but also balanced. If it starts to feel like you’re carrying around a bag of bowling balls, with emotions spilling out left and right, it might be a sign to pause and reset.

Building True Connection
Authentic connection grows when we share ourselves thoughtfully and create space for others to do the same. Vulnerability isn’t about revealing every detail of our lives; it’s about inviting others into the conversation with us, step by step.

So, the next time you’re faced with the choice to be vulnerable, remember: crack the window—don’t unhinge the door.

Some things to think about today. Take care of yourselves and each other.

Ciao!

29/10/2024

Getting Real About the Opioid Crisis: Why Forced Treatment Isn’t the Solution

The opioid crisis is hitting communities across Canada hard, from big cities to small towns. One idea that’s gaining traction is forcing people with severe addictions into treatment. On the surface, this seems like a compassionate way to help those at risk. But if we look closer, it’s clear that this approach misses some key realities.

As a psychologist working in addiction, I get why involuntary treatment sounds appealing. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you care about self-destruct, and forced treatment feels like a lifeline. But the truth is, addiction usually runs a lot deeper. It’s not as simple as just getting people to stop using drugs. For most, addiction is tied to something much more painful beneath the surface.

Addiction Isn’t the Real Problem—It’s Trauma

By the time someone is seriously addicted, they’re usually not using drugs just for fun. For a lot of people, addiction is a way to cope with overwhelming pain—often rooted in trauma. Drugs become a way to survive, not just something to “quit.” Forcing people into treatment often fails because it treats addiction as a behavior issue rather than a response to unresolved pain. This approach only reinforces harmful stereotypes about addiction being a choice or a personal failing.

Imagine addiction like a yard full of dandelions. Sure, you can mow them down, but the roots are still there. Eventually, they’ll come back. Real recovery means addressing those roots—things like trauma, poverty, and limited access to healthcare.

Why Forced Treatment Misses the Point

There are other issues with forced treatment, too. First, it makes addiction seem like just a “bad behavior” that needs fixing. This places blame squarely on the individual, ignoring the larger issues driving the crisis in the first place.

There’s also the question of resources: Where would all these treatment beds come from? We’re already stretched thin, with waitlists for people who actually want help. Instead of pushing forced treatment, wouldn’t it make more sense to invest in preventive care?

Looking at the Bigger Picture

If we’re serious about change, we need to address the bigger issues that lead to addiction. What if mental health care was more accessible, especially for people dealing with trauma? Or if we tackled issues like poverty, unstable housing, and systemic discrimination? These are the things that contribute to addiction, and they need to be addressed if we want real solutions.

At the end of the day, addiction isn’t about “bad choices.” It’s a complex mix of trauma, social factors, and a lack of support. Instead of punishing people who are already struggling, let’s focus on building a system that offers real help—before it’s too late.

So, let’s think about this today. We need to be kinder to ourselves and to each other and remember that lasting change comes from tackling the real issues, not just the symptoms.

10/03/2024

The Common Struggles of Fertility Treatments: What Women and Men Go Through Together

Fertility treatments—just saying those two words can bring a wave of emotions. For many, it’s a journey they never expected to take, and once you're on that path, you quickly realize it's a lot more complicated than you ever thought. It’s both physically and emotionally exhausting, for everyone involved.

If you're in it, you know what I mean. If you're thinking about starting the process, buckle up. Fertility treatments don't just affect one partner—they affect both. Whether you're the one going through the medical procedures or you’re supporting your partner, there's a whole mix of struggles that come along for the ride. Let’s talk about some of the big ones that both women and men face.

1. The Emotional Roller Coaster
This is probably the most obvious struggle. Whether you're the one taking
hormones or giving the injections—both partners will go through their own emotional ups and downs throughout the fertility treatment process. Women often bear the brunt of it physically, but that doesn’t mean men have it easy. The constant waiting, the highs of hope, the lows of
disappointment—it’s a shared emotional journey. And those hormones? Yeah, they can make emotions run wild for everyone. Women find themselves crying over commercials or feeling irritable for no reason. Men can feel helpless, frustrated, and even guilt-ridden for not being able to "fix" things.

2. Financial Stress
It’s no secret that fertility treatments are expensive. From medications to procedures like IVF, the bills add up fast. For many couples, this becomes a huge point of stress. Do you dip into your savings? Take out a loan? How many rounds of treatment can you proceed with before you run out of money? And what if it doesn’t work after spending all that money? Both women and men feel this financial pressure, and it can lead to arguments or guilt, especially if one partner feels more responsible for the cost.

3. Feeling Like You're Failing
Let’s be real—fertility issues can make you feel like you're failing at something that's supposed to be "natural". Women often feel this in their bones, especially when their bodies don’t respond to treatments the way they hoped. You start questioning your worth or why your body can’t just do the thing it was biologically designed to do.

Men aren’t immune to these feelings either. If there’s a male factor issue - like low sperm count or motility - men often feel a hit to their masculinity. Even if the issue isn’t on the guy’s side, it’s hard not to feel like you’re somehow falling short when you're unable to help your partner get pregnant.

4. The Invasive Nature of It All
For women, fertility treatments often feel like one invasive procedure after another—blood work, ultrasounds, injections, egg retrievals. It's physically taxing and mentally exhausting.

For men, though they aren’t undergoing as many procedures, it’s still invasive in a different way. Being asked to "perform" on command can be stressful and emotionally uncomfortable. Giving daily injections to your partner can feel distressing, especially when you see the physical and
emotional effects the injections have on your partner. Plus, watching your partner go through so much can make men feel like they're just standing on the sidelines, unable to do much to help.

5. Sex Becomes... Awkward
Remember when sex was fun and spontaneous? Yeah, fertility treatments can change that. Suddenly, sex becomes something you schedule around ovulation or doctor’s orders. It can feel like a chore rather than something intimate and enjoyable. And for many couples, the joy can get sucked out of it when the focus is purely on baby-making. Both men and women can end up feeling disconnected from each other, turning what was once a natural part of their relationship into something clinical and pressured.

6. Isolation
Fertility struggles can make you feel so alone. Even though you and your partner are in it together, the journey can be isolating. You might stop hanging out with friends because you're tired of seeing baby bumps or getting asked when you're going to start a family. Both women and men can feel this sense of isolation, even though it's often women who are more open about their struggles. Men, on the other hand, may keep quiet, which can make them feel even more alone in the process.

7. Decision Fatigue
After months (or even years) of tests and treatments, the decisions start piling up. Do we try another round of IVF? Should we explore egg or sperm donors? What about adoption? These are huge life decisions, and the weight of them can feel overwhelming for both partners. Each choice has its own set of risks, emotional tolls, and financial implications. You might not always agree on the best path forward, which can lead to tension and confusion.

8. The Lack of Control
At the end of the day, one of the hardest things for both partners is the loss of control. You can do everything right—take all the meds, follow the doctor's orders, show up for every appointment—and still, things might not go the way you want. That lack of control over your own fertility can be maddening for both women and men. It’s a helpless feeling that nobody
enjoys, and it’s one of the toughest parts of this entire journey.

In Conclusion

Fertility treatments aren’t easy, and they don’t just affect one person. Both women and men face a range of physical, emotional, and financial struggles along the way. But the key thing to remember is that you're in this together. Lean on each other, talk about how you're feeling (even when it’s uncomfortable), and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, but knowing you're not alone in these struggles can make the path a little bit easier to walk.

If any of this resonates with you, you may want to reach out to Leily, here at Rippeyoung & Associates. Leily has a passion for and a background in working with people and couples who are making the difficult transition from a life with no kids to a life where you hope for children but are faced with uncertainty.

22/08/2024

Compassion Over Judgement: A Call to See the Humanity in Everyone

Hey everyone. Yesterday, I posted about the closure of safe injection sites here in Ontario, and something that came up in the comments really hit me hard. Someone remarked that "junkies don't contribute to society," and honestly, it broke my heart. I feel so strongly that all humans are deserving of compassion—every single one of us. We all have inherent dignity and worth. We need to remember that people who use drugs, those who are so dependent they require a safe injection site, didn’t dream as children that this would be their future.

Nobody grows up thinking, “One day, I hope I become addicted to something that might kill me.” People end up in these situations for countless reasons, and this rush to blame them, to shame them for their choices, is part of a much larger problem we have in our culture—this obsession with personal responsibility.

Yes, of course, personal accountability matters. But we’ve created this atmosphere where if something goes wrong in someone’s life, we immediately jump to asking, “What did you do wrong?” Take health, for example. Someone gets lung cancer and suddenly we’re asking if they smoked, if they brought it on themselves. Liver cancer? Oh, they must have been heavy drinkers. It’s like we can’t help but look for a way to make it their fault, as if that will somehow protect us from having to face the same fate.

This mentality is particularly damaging when it comes to mental health. You have no idea what someone else is going through, where their life took a hard left turn, or what genetic factors might be at play. There’s so much we don’t know, and yet we’re so quick to judge. It’s not that we don’t have personal agency—of course we do—but sometimes, life is just outside of our control. Sometimes, things go wrong despite our best efforts.

And this brings me to something I saw at the peak of the COVID-19 pandemic. There was so much blaming and shaming happening around what was “good behavior,” and during that time, I came across a poem by someone with the handle @69herbs. I’ve shared this poem before, but it feels especially relevant now. It’s called "If You Get Sick, I Love You":

"If you get sick, I will not tell you you should have eaten better, exercised more, taken herbs, worn a condom, stayed sober, been safer. I will not try to figure out at what precise moment of your particular human carelessness you contracted the disease. I will not tell you it’s your fault that you were selfish or high risk or reckless with this body of yours, vulnerable as mine and just as capable of betrayal. I will not say well what did you expect it was a matter of time you get what you deserve you asked for it because if shame was medicine we’d all be healed by now."

"I’ll think about how viruses are proteins looking for hosts and how we are animals alive and desperate warm-blooded and whole and how we are humans exposed and terrified, making up stories of borders and boundaries as if we live in self-contained units where nothing comes in and nothing goes out."

"Honey, if you get sick (when you get sick) I will love you I will ask you what you need to feel better and I will do my very best to get you that cup of ramen, extra blanket, HBO login, pack of spirits, grocery delivery, I will tell you that you’re not alone, send you memes and whisper your name in soft prayers of healing by the hot pink candle on my windowsill."

"I’ll send my biggest rage and grief to the state, the stars, the forces that abandon us that make us go to work and then pay for health care and pay to survive and I will keep loving these bodies, yours and mine, that are always our own and always each other’s porous and sublime that make way for touch as they make way for sickness."

This poem is so powerful because it reminds us that we are all vulnerable. We are all human. Compassion is the one thing we can give each other that actually makes a difference. Blame and shame don’t heal. They don’t help anyone.

At the start of this year, I called for 2024 to be the year of compassion. I’m still holding onto that hope. If you’re someone who tends to focus on personal responsibility and choices, I want to encourage you to take a step back. Consider that we don’t control everything, and maybe—just maybe—all of us are doing the best we can. Sometimes that’s enough, and sometimes it isn’t, but everyone deserves a little grace.

Some things to think about today. I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today. 

21/08/2024

Closing Safe Injection Sites: A Missed Opportunity for Safety and Conversations

Heya! So yesterday, our provincial government made a big announcement—they’re closing down ten safe injection sites across the province. Five of these sites are in Toronto, and one is here in Ottawa. The reason for the closures? Their proximity to schools and childcare centers. The new policy states that these types of facilities can’t be within 200 meters of schools or childcare, and lo and behold, these ten sites are in violation of that rule, so they’re being shut down.

Now, I understand the argument here—people want to protect children from “unsavory elements,” and they believe that around safe injection sites, there’s an increased risk of criminal activity and violence. On the surface, it makes sense, right? But I honestly think this decision is terrible for a lot of reasons.

First, it’s pretty clear to me that there wasn’t a lot of consultation with health professionals in this field. If there had been, the government would know that closing safe injection sites doesn’t remove drugs from the community or make those neighborhoods safer. Instead, it just puts drug users at even greater risk. These sites exist to provide a safe place for people to use, test their drugs for harmful substances, and reduce the chances of overdoses or death. Without them, people will still be using drugs in those communities—just without the safety net that the sites offer.

And as for using children as the reason behind these closures? I don’t buy it. The argument that we need to “protect” kids by keeping them from seeing drug use or drug users doesn’t actually protect them. What it does is reinforce the stigma around substance use and certain groups of people. We already talk to kids about hard stuff—when a family member gets sick, when there’s violence in the news, even things like “stranger danger,” which is essentially a way of talking about sexual abuse. We find ways to talk about these things with kids in an age-appropriate way.

So why is substance use off the table? Why is it controversial to have these conversations with young people? It’s another way we stigmatize certain behaviors and communities, and it does a huge disservice to everyone involved. Kids live in these communities, and they’re going to see these issues whether we like it or not. Instead of shielding them, we should be talking openly with our children, promoting family values, and using these moments as opportunities for learning and discussion.

Parents want their kids to share their values, right? That’s part of the job of parenting—to instill values in children. Safe injection sites, if anything, offer a chance to have those important conversations about safety, responsibility, and danger. It’s a way for parents to talk to their kids about what’s happening in their communities, about why supervision might be necessary, and how to navigate difficult topics.

We shouldn’t wait until it’s too late or until kids are getting poor information from their peers or other sources. We want to protect our children, and sometimes the best way to do that is to be honest and open about the world they’re living in.

Some things to think about today. Take care of yourselves and each other. Ciao!

14/08/2024

Living in the Present Moment: Embracing Mid-August

Heya! So, we've reached the middle of August, and this time of year can feel a bit strange for many people. If you're someone who runs on the school year schedule, you might already be thinking about September and what's coming next. The last few weeks of summer can feel weird, especially if you're projecting yourself into September instead of living in the present moment. Similarly, for those of you who work in large organizations, summer is often a slow time due to rolling vacations. People are away, things are slower, and it's easy to start thinking about September.

But here's the thing: when we focus too much on what's coming next, we lose out on the time we have right now. We tell ourselves that things will be different in September, but if we're looking to make changes or live life fully, the time to do that is now. There’s no better time than the last couple of weeks of August to make some shifts in your life, explore new things, and embrace the moment. If work is slow or summer feels like it’s winding down, you probably have fewer responsibilities or distractions that might keep you from trying something new.

September often brings a lot of change—new schedules, new routines—and if that month usually overwhelms you, why not use this time to prepare? Practice getting some routines in place now so that when September hits, you’re not trying to juggle everything all at once. Instead, you'll already have some supportive habits running smoothly in the background. This way, September might feel a little less chaotic and more manageable.

So, make the most of this time now. Live now. Stay in the present moment because this is where we can actually do things, try things, and see new ways of being. Some things to think about. 

24/07/2024

On Psychotherapy

As a psychologist, I’m a big proponent of therapy because it helps us learn more about ourselves, understand our contexts and social worlds better, and improve our relationships. Therapy can also help us process difficult past or current events and see how our thoughts and feelings shape our perspectives and the perspectives of others. There’s a lot of good that can come out of therapy.

However, it’s important to manage expectations when starting therapy. First off, therapy is not a crisis management service. If you’re in a crisis and decide to start therapy, be prepared for the first few sessions to involve a lot of history-taking. This includes not just the current problem you’re facing, but also a detailed history of your life, your relationships with family members growing up and today, past relationships, past adversities, your trauma history, and other aspects like where you work or went to school and how you found those experiences. Your therapist doesn’t have a one-size-fits-all treatment plan, so therapy is tailored to your individual history and needs.

If you have a pressing issue that you need resolved immediately, therapy might not be the quick fix you’re hoping for. It’s a process that takes time, and it’s not going to get sorted out in just one or two sessions.

Another common misconception is that more therapy is better, like taking a higher dose of medication. That’s not the case. We need time between therapy sessions to go out into the world, try things out, and let the insights from therapy settle in and consolidate. Having a weekend full of therapy sessions, hour after hour, isn’t typically how change happens.

If you have expectations about therapy, it’s crucial to discuss them with your therapist at the start. Talk about how you think therapy should go or how you hope it will go. This is a good way to assess fit with your therapist. If your therapist’s approach doesn’t align with your vision, consider whether that’s going to be a good fit for you. Therapy is a collaborative process, and it’s important to feel comfortable and aligned with your therapist’s methods.

If you’re frustrated with your therapist from the beginning, you’re probably not going to get very far, and it won’t be very helpful for you.

Some things to think about. I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today. Ciao!
 
 

03/07/2024

On Context and Personal Accountability

Heya! Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the role of context in understanding ourselves and our behaviors. It seems our culture tends to overemphasize personal accountability, often to the point of ignoring the context in which our actions are embedded. While it's true that we are accountable for our actions, it's also important to consider the surrounding context—not as an excuse, but as a way to understand the complexities of our behaviors.

This overemphasis on personal accountability is rooted in the belief that we can control all the factors in our lives. But the truth is, we can’t. We hear things like, "Other people don’t cause your feelings; you’re responsible for your own feelings." While we are indeed responsible for managing our feelings, the feelings themselves often arise in reaction to external events or actions of others. They’re not just manufactured out of thin air while we’re minding our own business.

Many systems we grow up in, and live in as adults, teach us that there's a "right way" to do things. If we follow this prescribed way, everything will supposedly work out. This leads us to internalize blame when things don’t go as planned. We think, "If everything was in my control, I could have just done it the right way." This internalization is especially prevalent among those of us who have experienced trauma. It’s the flip side of the coin: believing that if we hold ourselves responsible for the actions of others, we can change ourselves to avoid future trauma. But that’s not how it works.

This brings me to my bid for compassion and self-compassion. These can help us look at situations through a more understanding lens. By acknowledging the context, we can figure out why we made certain decisions—like why we turned right instead of left, or why we put ourselves in risky situations. Self-blame for misfortunes often overlooks the larger context that influenced our actions.

Compassion allows us to recognize our role in things while also identifying factors outside our control. This dual awareness helps us manage our reactions and behaviors better. We might not always have perfect responses, but understanding why certain situations evoke strong internal reactions can guide us in managing these feelings constructively.

For instance, if you get really upset with someone and things escalate, there will be consequences. But if you understand why you’re feeling that way internally, you can figure out a better way to manage the situation so you don’t end up feeling ashamed or embarrassed later.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today.

26/06/2024

On Nonlinear Progress in Therapy

When it comes to therapy, many people approach it with the expectation that change and progress will be linear. They think if they put in the work, they'll see consistent, predictable improvements over time. While this can sometimes be the case, more often than not, progress in therapy, like many things in life, is nonlinear and discontinuous.

Consider how babies develop. Often, just before they achieve a new developmental milestone, their systems become disorganized. A baby who had good sleeping habits might suddenly have disrupted sleep and seem off in their mood. Then, a week later, they start rolling over or saying new words. Life often mirrors this pattern. In therapy, we create a safe space to get comfortable and talk about what's going on. Many therapeutic interventions are designed to disrupt existing thought and behavioral patterns to help people understand themselves in new ways. It's like a switch flips suddenly.

Sure, you can be journaling every day, paying attention to diet and exercise, and building healthy habits, but often, it's a sudden insight that reorients you. Suddenly, some things you were struggling with become easier. This doesn’t mean your life will stay easy forever or that healing is an end state. Challenges will resurface, and while you might handle them healthily after a good bout of therapy, there's no guarantee.

This is how nonlinear or discontinuous change happens. We get multiple attempts at things. While it would be great to always hit it out of the park, sometimes we'll fall back on old patterns that once served us but no longer do. I share this because people can often feel frustrated in therapy, thinking they're not following a straight line of progress, but life and therapy aren’t really like that.

So, go easy on yourself. Continue to show up and do the work. Over time, you'll likely see changes in yourself that might surprise you or changes in surprising ways.

Take care of yourselves and each other today.

12/06/2024

On Therapy as "Man School"

Heya! Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an event organized by the Dare to be Vulnerable Project here in Ottawa. This nonprofit's mission is to get people talking more and more about mental health to reduce stigma. The idea is that if leaders in various industries start these conversations, it could create safer workplaces where mental health issues can be openly discussed. The goal is to make people feel less shame, ask for more support, and offer support to one another, thereby avoiding some of the really terrible consequences that arise when mental health issues spiral out of control.

I appreciate this movement, and yesterday’s event, titled "Men Do Cry," was targeted at male leaders, focusing on men and mental health. It was a powerful day aimed at normalizing feelings for men and encouraging open discussions about our emotions and thoughts around who we are and how we are.

One speaker said something that struck me immediately. He referred to his therapy journey as "Man School," and I love this idea. Therapy as a way for men to learn how to be good men by learning about, differentiating, and appropriately expressing our feelings is profound. Think about little boys; if you’ve ever spent time around a three-year-old boy, you’ll see they have feelings for sure. However, our culture systematically teaches boys over time to shut off or turn away from their feelings. This isn’t encoded in the XY chromosome; it’s a learned behavior.

If boys can learn to turn off their feelings, they can certainly learn to turn them back on and make use of them because feelings are important. They’re crucial for living and are a vital part of decision-making. It’s not that we should run entirely on feelings all the time, but the information we get from our feelings is critical for making good decisions, whether in business, personal life, or elsewhere.

I love the idea of therapy as Man School. If we’re going to teach boys to turn off their feelings, as adults, we can start teaching ourselves and each other how to turn those feelings back on and use them effectively. Feelings are always there; it's just a matter of what we do with them. Ignoring them will only cause them to come out sideways. Because boys are often taught through reward and punishment that they shouldn’t have or express certain feelings, we need to help them unlearn this.

Another thing I love about the idea of therapy being Man School is because therapy isn't a one size fits all. Since therapy is tailored to the individual, the results will also be individualized, meaning that there will be diversity in how men express and deal with their feelings. It doesn’t have to look a specific way. There isn’t one right universal way to express yourself; it has to be coherent with your style, authentic to who you are as a person, and reflective of your lived experiences. So, a group of men who can express their emotions appropriately will show great diversity. It's not about reducing all men to one image but making you more YOU. Therapy helps you understand yourself better so you can show up as more of who you are.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today. 

10/06/2024

On Father's Day: Embracing Emotional Growth

Father's Day is coming up later this week, and it's got me reflecting on fatherhood and the complexities that come with this special day. One crucial point to remember is that fathers didn't start out as fathers; they began as little boys. Unfortunately, in our society, we often fail to teach our boys how to express their feelings effectively. We tend to reinforce the idea of being the strong, silent type or the easygoing, fun guy. However, when it comes to more complex emotions, we don't do a great job of guiding our sons on how to navigate and express these feelings constructively.

Many men only begin to understand their emotions through their romantic relationships, which is a tragedy. By then, they often have to learn tough lessons after numerous failed or challenging relationships, leaving a trail of emotional wreckage. Just because we haven't been socialized well to handle emotions doesn't mean we can't take steps as adults to learn and value this important aspect of life. Emotions exist whether we acknowledge them or not. If we bottle them up or deny them, they tend to come out sideways, causing more harm than good to ourselves and others.

A big part of fatherhood is about having a meaningful relationship with your children, which benefits both the kids and the fathers. Dads have a significant influence on their children's lives, and whether they are actively involved or not, it has an impact. Therefore, it's essential for adult men to learn to differentiate their emotions, understand how and when to express them, and do so in a way that feels genuine.

This topic is particularly relevant during Pride Month, as many in the queer community have strained relationships with their fathers. Often, it's not because their fathers are inherently unkind but because they are not well-versed in handling emotions and relationships. Young people care deeply about their parents' opinions, even if they sometimes seem dismissive. Fathers—and mothers—play a crucial role in their children's lives.

If you are a dad or love a dad, encourage him to get in touch with his emotions and show up for his kids. You can't tell a child you love them too much. Expressing love openly and honestly is life-saving for young people and beneficial for their emotional health. And guess what? There are numerous positive outcomes for men who are active in their children's lives. Engaging with your children is good for you too. It fosters better relationships and makes celebrations like Father's Day less fraught and more joyous.

So, as we approach Father's Day, let's remember the importance of emotional growth and connection. I'm gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today.

06/06/2024

"Shoulds" are Garbage: Finding True Fulfillment 

Heya! I want to share some insights that might resonate with many of you.

One common theme that brings people into my office is this realization: they've worked hard, achieved what they thought would make them happy, but still feel disappointed or dissatisfied. Then comes the self-criticism for not being grateful enough or not appreciating what they have. I believe a significant part of this struggle comes from chasing what they think they 'should' want rather than what they genuinely desire.

Often, people don't know what they want, so they default to what’s considered 'objectively' good. They follow societal expectations, influenced by social media, family, and community, pursuing dreams that aren't truly theirs. Without a personal connection to these goals, they end up feeling unfulfilled.

This disconnect also happens because people find it challenging to introspect and identify their true desires. It’s easier to follow societal norms and hope for the best. But let’s make introspection a bit easier with some guiding questions: What’s genuinely important to you? How do you want to spend your time? What do you value most? By answering these, you can start prioritizing and aligning your decisions with your authentic self.

There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to what’s objectively good. What works for others might not work for you. Following someone else’s path often leads to dissatisfaction because it doesn't align with your interests and values.

Working with both adults and teenagers, I see this issue starting early. Young people are pressured to have everything figured out, aiming for excellence and success measured by teachable skills. But figuring things out involves trying and sometimes failing. Fear of making wrong choices—like picking the wrong major or job—paralyzes them, worrying they’ll fall behind.

Experimenting is crucial. Just like shopping for clothes, trying different paths helps you find what fits. A large size varies across brands, and so do life choices. If something doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean you’re behind; it means you’re learning and growing.

These ideas can guide us towards decisions that bring true satisfaction. It’s about pursuing what we genuinely want, not what we think we should want. This shift leads to a more fulfilling life.

Some things to think about. Look after yourselves and each other today.

05/06/2024

Why Pride Matters: A Reflection

Hey there! Since it’s June, which means it’s Pride Month, I wanted to share some thoughts on why Pride still matters. Happy Pride to everyone celebrating!

Every June, we celebrate Pride, and every June, I see the same exhausting questions pop up on social media. Questions like, "Do we really still need Pride? You all have your rights already," or "Why isn’t there a Straight Pride Month?" These questions often feel more like passive-aggressive pushback on our existence than genuine curiosity. So, let’s talk about why Pride is still so important and a bit of its history.

It was only 55 years ago this month that Canada decriminalized homosexuality. That might seem like a long time to some, but the oldest Gen Xer was just four years old then. Before decriminalization, being gay was illegal. You could be arrested, fined, or jailed simply for being who you are. The day after Canada decriminalized homosexuality, the Stonewall Riots erupted in New York City. The police raided the Stonewall Inn, a queer bar, and the patrons fought back. This led to the first big Pride event in 1970, marking a significant protest against injustice and a fight for rights.

Pride started from a place of protest and anger, not just celebration and glitter. Even after decriminalization, homosexuality was still considered a mental illness. The American Psychiatric Association didn’t declassify it as an illness until 1975, and the World Health Organization didn’t follow suit until 1991. That's only 33 years ago, well within many of our lifetimes. Just think about that—it wasn’t that long ago that existing as a queer person was considered sick.

In recent years, we’ve made significant progress. There’s been legislation, reduced stigma, and it’s become easier for some people to come out. However, we’re also seeing pushback and regression in some areas. For example, changes in sexual health curriculum in places like Ontario often exclude families like mine, suggesting that queer families are controversial or inappropriate to discuss with children. There are lots of age-appropriate ways to talk about diversity and ensure that the rights and freedoms we’ve gained are not taken for granted.

Beyond these broader issues, there’s also the day-to-day struggles of existing as a queer person. For instance, when starting a new job, everyone worries about whether it will be a good environment. But if you’re queer, you might also wonder if it’s safe to be openly yourself at work. Can you talk about your weekend like everyone else? Will you be judged or excluded because of who you are? These small, everyday concerns add up and can lead to missed opportunities and unnecessary stress.

Pride matters because it creates spaces where we can simply be ourselves. Last year, I was walking to my car in a parking garage, and someone screamed a slur at me from across the empty lot. I wasn’t interacting with anybody, just existing. And then, there are the more tragic incidents, like the Pulse nightclub shooting eight years ago, where someone opened fire because the patrons were queer. These things are still happening—it’s not just ancient history.

This is why we need Pride. It’s not about just tolerance; it’s about being allowed to be proud of who we are and our community. Pride is crucial because it can be life-saving for many people. The lack of safe spaces can be life-ending for some of us.

If you’re someone who isn’t a fan of Pride, remember, you don’t have to attend any events. But understand that many of us still face discrimination daily. For those who come from communities that haven’t been traditionally marginalized, I have a message for you: I’m not saying your life isn’t hard, but your gender and sexuality didn’t make your day harder from the moment you woke up. That’s what we mean by privilege—you don’t have to worry if your identity will inspire cruelty or violence.

So, yeah, we still need Pride. And no, we don’t need a Straight Pride Month. You get all the other days. We’re just asking for recognition, for a moment to celebrate who we are. That’s it.

I’m gonna go be with some hearts that beat. Look after yourselves and each other today.

03/06/2024

Therapy is Not a One-Size-Fits-All

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about a common misconception many people have when they start therapy: the idea that therapy is a one-size-fits-all solution.

A lot of folks are surprised to learn that therapy isn’t the same for everyone. While there are some common approaches that can be helpful, the way two people experience the same situation can be very different. Because of this, therapy needs to adapt to each person's unique needs and circumstances.

For example, someone might come in saying, “I’m going through a breakup and need coping skills,” or “I think I’m dealing with depression, burnout, or anxiety. Please help me.” It’s easy to think that there’s a standard method that works for everyone, but this isn’t true. The way you understand your symptoms and how they developed can shape the meaning you make of your experiences. This understanding varies from person to person.

Take depression, for instance. While there are common features like low mood, other aspects can differ based on personal history and individual makeup. One person might see their depression as largely genetic, while another might link it to a series of life events and past experiences. These different perspectives will influence how each person works through their issues in therapy.

We often talk about the benefits of diet, rest, and exercise for managing depression and anxiety. These basics can help everyone, whether they’re struggling or not. But therapy goes deeper. It helps us understand ourselves in the context of our lives and symptoms. What works for one person might not work the same for another, and that’s okay. It’s not about something being wrong with the person or the suggestion; it’s about finding what fits your natural style and situation.

Therapy isn’t just about using a set list of coping skills. If it were that simple, we wouldn’t need therapy—everyone would just read self-help books. Coping skills are useful, but sometimes they only help us get by in situations that aren’t good for us. Therapy can help us see when it’s time to change our situation instead of just coping with it.

So, remember, therapy is about understanding yourself and your personal history. It’s not a cookie-cutter process. If you’re struggling with something, therapy can help you figure out what’s in your control to change, what isn’t, and how to manage things in a way that works for you.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

30/05/2024

Inner Critic vs. Wise Mind: Understanding the Difference

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about something many of us struggle with: the difference between our inner critic and our inner wise mind. It's easy to confuse these two, but understanding the distinction can make a big difference in how we approach our thoughts and actions.

Our inner critic is that harsh, negative voice inside us. It’s not helpful or balanced. Instead, it focuses on our fears, twists facts to make us feel worse, and often speaks in extremes and absolutes. This is the voice that tears us down when we make mistakes, calling us "failures" or "losers." It's repetitive, intrusive, and downright mean.

On the other hand, our wise mind is the part of us that blends logic and reason with compassion. The wise mind acknowledges when we've made mistakes, but it doesn't beat us up over them. Instead, it uses these moments as opportunities for learning and growth. The wise mind is kind and understanding, looking at the full context of our actions and asking why we did something, rather than just condemning us for it.

Cultivating our wise mind means accepting that we're imperfect and that it's okay to have regrets or to need to make amends. The wise mind helps us move forward in ways that align with our values and true selves. It's about finding balance, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

Many people mistake the inner critic for the wise mind because they believe being harsh on themselves is necessary for learning lessons. But that's not true. The inner critic is mostly just mean and driven by fear. It doesn't help us grow or move forward in positive ways. Compassion, balance, and acceptance—these are the qualities we need to develop our wise mind. This approach allows us to forgive ourselves, learn from our mistakes, and make those mistakes worthwhile.

So, next time you catch that harsh inner voice, try to recognize it for what it is: the inner critic. Then, take a moment to listen for your wise mind instead. It’s there to help you learn and grow with kindness and understanding.

Some things to think about today. Look after yourselves and each other. 

29/05/2024

The Importance of Vacations: A Psychologist's Perspective

Hey there! I just got back from a lovely week-long vacation, and with summer just around the corner, it's the perfect time to talk about vacations and their role in good living.

First off, we all need regular time off and rest. Whether you travel somewhere or stay home, what's important is giving yourself a break and moving through time differently. When we're not constantly at work, we live differently and can truly recharge.

If you find yourself living from vacation to vacation, dreading your daily life, it's time to re-evaluate. You might be able to bring some elements of vacation into your everyday routine to make life more sustainable. Look at the list of things you "have to" do and figure out your actual priorities. Incorporating more regular rest into your daily life can prevent you from feeling completely drained by the time your vacation arrives. Remember, vacations are great for recharging, but if you're starting out already exhausted, you won't get the full benefit.

A common struggle with vacations is the feeling of having to work extra hard before leaving or after returning, as if you didn't take any time off at all. This is often a mental trap influenced by our work culture. If you feel like you need to work extra just to take a break, the problem likely lies in the structure of your workplace, not in you. Be kind to yourself and understand that catching up on emails and tasks after a vacation is still part of your job. Don't set unrealistic expectations that every minute of your workday should be super productive.

Lastly, think about what you want to achieve with your vacation time. Many people have expectations but don't plan ahead, leading to disappointment. If your goal is to recharge, focus on activities that genuinely refresh you. If you want to make memories with family or friends, find activities you all enjoy. And if you're looking to explore new places or try new things, plan deliberately to align with your values and needs. This way, you'll be happier with how you spent your time off.

So, take some time to think about how you can incorporate rest into your daily life and make the most of your vacations. Look after yourselves and each other. 

16/05/2024

Navigating Facts and Assumptions: A Psychologist's Perspective

Hey there! Today, I want to talk about something that really affects how we think, feel, and act: the difference between facts and assumptions.

Facts are solid. They're things we can prove and see. Assumptions, on the other hand, are more like guesses. They fill in the gaps when we don't have all the information. We might believe in them strongly, but they're often influenced by our fears, worries, and what we think others are thinking.

When we realize we're working with assumptions, we get a chance to check them against the facts. This helps us figure out if we're making decisions based on reality or just our interpretations, which might not always be helpful. A lot of us go through life mistaking assumptions for facts, but unlike facts, assumptions can change when we look at them more closely.

How we interpret events has a big impact on how we feel. Two people can go through the same thing but feel completely different about it because of their different assumptions or perspectives. We often have ideas about how things "should" be, which can lead to disappointment when reality doesn't match up.

So, how do we tell the difference between facts and assumptions, especially when things get tough? We might start with looking inward. Ask yourself: What do I really know for sure? What proof do I have for my beliefs, and what might need more checking? Also, knowing that our minds like to create stories about events can help us separate what’s real from what we’re assuming.

Think about a common situation like being late for an appointment. The fact is simple—the appointment time has passed. But assumptions about why you're late can be all over the place. Maybe it was due to unexpected issues or personal problems unrelated to the appointment. Jumping to conclusions based on these assumptions can cause misunderstandings and stress.

In the end, being able to separate facts from assumptions helps us see things more clearly and be kinder to ourselves and others. By questioning our assumptions and looking for the truth, we can build better relationships and make smarter choices. So next time you’re feeling stuck, take a moment to ask yourself what you know and what you’re guessing. It might help you find a calmer, more satisfying path.

Take care of yourselves and each other. 

1150 MORRISON DRIVE, SUITE 205
OTTAWA, ON K2H 8S9
P 613.596.9197
F 613.596.6499
E INFO@MATTHEWRIPPEYOUNG.COM

SOCIALS

TWITTER
FACEBOOK
INSTAGRAM
TIK TOK
LINKEDIN

2018 MATTHEW RIPPEYOUNG
DISCLAIMER | PRIVACY POLICY
DESIGN BY INKBLOT STUDIO

Ready to get started? You can book a session using our online scheduler below, or just give us a call or send an email. Our assistant will help guide you through the process.